Things About My Carol: Part 7: "She Is A Middle Child"

I think it was in the early 90s when Dr. Kevin Leman did a special event at our church one night to talk about "The Birth Order Book,"  which he authored in 1982. Leman is a Christian psychologist who embraced the idea of birth order having an effect on the personality, character, and development of children. This "birth order theory" originated back in the 1920s when it was proposed by Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychotherapist.

Alfred Adler

It is not suggested that there are genetic or physiological underpinnings to the birth order attributes; it is more driven by the way parents treat and perceive their children based on birth order. In many cases these personality attributes come about based on how the children see themselves in the family dynamic even if their perceptions might not be entirely accurate (after all, they are children.) But, first-born children are often parented differently than "middles," and the youngest (see video below.) Gender can certainly play into this as well... such as, the second child may be the first daughter. It was a fun night because he presented the material with plenty of humor and spouses were poking each other with each new revelation he presented that struck a chord.

Leman suggests that there are some well-defined differences between first-born and middle children (and only-children and youngest children.) He describes first-born kids as: "the guinea pigs of the family. Mom and Dad practiced on them. They're held to a higher standard than the rest of us. They're reliable, conscientious, list-makers. They don't like surprises. They are natural leaders." He goes on to say, "Of the first 23 astronauts to blast off into space, 21 were first-born children. The other two were only-children." Coincidence? I think not. You first-born children reading this are not at all surprised by that statistic.

According to Leman, last-born children are "the babies of the family... they're manipulative, social, outgoing, never met a stranger, good with people- least likely to become an astronaut someday. Also least likely ending up being the President of the United States." (About 52% of US Presidents were/ are "middles.")

Only-children are like first-born kids but on steroids. Take all the attributes of first-born and add "very" in front of it. Leman says, "Only-children are often sensitive and get their feelings easily hurt. They're little adults by age seven."

So, my Carol is a middle child. You may be familiar with a term, "middle child syndrome." It even has a Wikipedia page (then again, what doesn't?) Firstly, no two families are alike. But it can be true that in families of 3 or more children, the experience of first born, last born (the baby) and all the ones bookended by them can be different. First borns are the ones where new parents experience most of the exciting "firsts..." first steps, first toilet training, first talking and walking, first tooth, first lost tooth, first first day of school, first t-ball/ballet/soccer/piano recital (you get it.) By the time middle child/children do their versions of it, it has lost a bit of the luster... and all the while the oldest is still  doing "new firsts" that still get most of the attention. And the last borns (sometimes the "oops" children) are the newest attention grabbing babies of the family (and some can get spoiled.) Middles can get lost in the fray and can feel a bit out of place and overlooked... not so for the oldest or the baby. Most middles seem to handle it well and can thrive despite (or even because of) feeling "unequal." Some can struggle with it though even into adulthood. Parents don't usually mean to treat the birth order differently. But the reality is that they do. 

So, what do we think we know about middle children? 

Here are some of the supposed attributes of a middle child:

• easygoing... they know how to compromise and are good negotiators and mediators
• adaptable and flexible
• can be secretive
• peacemakers- they want everyone to get along. They can serve as the go-between.
• more independent- maybe felt overlooked as children, often leaving home the soonest, self-reliant, may have a hard time asking for help
• competitive- feeling like a #2 sometimes can cause middle kids to be very competitive
• exceptionally strong friendships (sometimes as a fill-in for inattentive family)
• people pleasing tendencies
• loyal- faithful in their relationships which are often long-lasting. Skillful at forging connection
• seek fairness in situations
• tend to not be perfectionists
• hardworking and self-motivated
• successful
• well-adjusted
• resilient- typically can handle tough things that come along

While there are always exceptions when it comes to these types of descriptors, I think these describe Carol pretty closely (she's the middle of three girls.)

(L-R) Carol, Susan, Debbie

In fact, I think that Carol could even be described as a "prototypical middle child." Now, these kinds of attribute or personality comparisons aren't intended to imply that any birth order type is "better than" another. It just acknowledges that there can be observable differences.

I'm reluctant to add many more glowing things to what I've already written about middle children because it feels like it could be a bit self-promoting.

You see, Carol married a middle child... yep, I'm one too. (Btw, middle and middle is believed to be one of the less successful marriage combinations.)

Well, we must have figured out how to make it work.

After all... we're hard-working and resilient.

* Kevin Leman italicized quotes are taken from birthorderguy.com

Click here for all "Things about Carol" blogs

Click here if you'd like to follow my blogs

Click here to go to main page