Thank Goodness For Advertising— Otherwise I Wouldn't Know How Sick I Am

I know that caregiving is hard but, health-wise, I thought I was doing okay. Not great, but okay. I got up in the morning, I ate food, I made it through most days without collapsing. That used to be enough. But then, one day, an ad asked me:

“Do you feel tired around 3 PM?”

Yes. Yes, I do.

It was then I discovered I wasn’t tired. I was toxic.

Apparently, I had adrenal fatigue. My cortisol was way too high. My dopamine was out of control. My liver needed support. My gut was leaking. My blood sugar was doing things it shouldn’t. My hormones were confused. And, if that wasn't enough, I was operating on about 3% of my full mitochondrial potential.

None of this was mentioned at my last checkup in 2011, but that’s probably because my doctor wasn’t on TikTok. (Actually, I don't think TikTok existed in 2011.)

One minute I'm Googling “easy lasagna recipes,” and the next, I'm elbows deep in an article titled “13 Hidden Symptoms That Mean You’re Probably Dying.”

I had no less than 8 of them.

My scalp tingled once. My big toe went numb in 2018. I sometimes felt weirdly melancholic when it rained at the same time the sun was still shining. Clearly, my serotonin is in retrograde.

This is the genius of modern advertising. It doesn’t just sell you a product. It finds you a problem you didn’t know you had—and then sells you twelve products to fix it.


By the end of the hour, I had a plan:

A $49.99 Gut Reset Protocol (PDF format, but loaded with cool diagrams)

A Chair Yoga Exercise Program for "Guys Over 60 Born in September that Want to Look 50"
A Cortisol-Calming Ashwagandha Coffee Creamer
A Magnesium Body Spray (because apparently spraying yourself with minerals is a thing now?)
And a $299 bundle called “The Total Nervous System Reboot”, which includes a candle and a tuning fork... gotta get back to 440.

I also signed up for three email lists. One of them sent me a free “Which Kind of Burnout Are You?” quiz. Turns out I’m the kind of burnout who shops online at 11 at night because he read somewhere that screens reduce inflammation if they’re on “Night Mode.”

I did try meditation, but just briefly. Right as I was getting into it, a pop-up from the meditation app informed me that I could unlock deeper tranquility for just $5.99/month.

So I did. I’m not sure I’m calmer, but I am being charged monthly, which makes it feels like a deeper commitment.

In all honesty, now I miss not knowing. I used to think I was just a little tired, a little distracted, maybe in need of more vegetables and less phone time. But now I know the truth:

I’m inflamed.

I’m over-caffeinated and under-electrolyzed.

I have sluggish lymph and excessive mitochondrial stagnation whatever the heck that is.

And I only discovered all this because I once clicked on a Facebook ad that said:

“What Your Tongue Says About Your Liver Might Shock You.”


Thank goodness for all the helpful advertising. Without it, I would have skipped along, thinking I was maybe just getting older. But now I know:

My gut is crying for help
My cortisol is stressing me out (or is it vice versa?)

I'm chasing dopamine like it stole something
My detox pathways are gridlocked


So if you’re feeling mostly fine, be careful. You might just be ignoring several invisible, unverified, and possibly made-up medical emergencies.

And there’s an algorithm out there, waiting to save you. Be careful where you click.

Maybe I need a break from social media.

I'll just go back to searching on WebMD because that's worked so well in the past.

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