An Ode to Carol on our Anniversary

   

our first "together" home

The years have flown by, so how did we fare? 

forty-two years, and still quite the pair. 

Loving and laughing, and laughing some more, 

with faithful reminders of how much I snore.

Forty-two years, the questions ran deep,

like “what is that smell?” and... “is it your feet?”

We laughed at each other’s most obvious quirks,

but never forgot to cherish the perks.

I promised adventures from here to afar, 

that mostly just meant long rides in the car. 

We knew from the start where this thing was headed,

together for life with nothing regretted.

"I've been waiting for a girl like you to come into my life
 I've been waiting for a girl like you, a love that will survive

 I've been waiting for someone new to make me feel alive

 Yeah, waiting for a girl like you to come into my life"

1981 Lou Gramm and Mick Jones- Songwriters
1982 Mike Toomey- falling in love with Carol Williams

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It Changed My Life

You will sometimes hear people talk about something being "life changing." I've heard folks describe everything from their air fryer to an incredible travel experience to the birth of a child in that way. (Some of you might be a bit overly obsessed with your kitchen appliance.)

Seriously describing something as life changing typically suggests something significant. And it's not always something positive. The death of a spouse, child, or other close person in your life can certainly have that effect too. So when I say that something "changed my life" I am not using the more flippant version of that term.

February 9th- 41 years ago Carol and I were married. Nothing fancy about the ceremony. We did get dressed up a bit. But, short of getting married in front of a justice of the peace, it was as simple as a wedding could be... we were married by her former youth minister in my future in-laws' living room with barely enough people there to field a baseball team. But, the unadorned nature of the occasion did not, in any way, diminish the seriousness and holiness of the moment.

Almost six years earlier, in my fancy, rented tuxedo, I had recited vows to a different woman in front of an adorned church full of people. That marriage should have "changed my life." But it didn't. And it didn't change hers either. Maybe that is why, four years later, that marriage failed. And I felt like a failure. And a promise breaker, regardless of the fact that I didn't want the divorce. But, there is truth in the words in Bonnie Raitt's 1990 recording:

 "I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't." 

I painfully learned that truth ten years before Michael Reid and James Shamblin ever wrote those lyrics.

But, a little over two years later, I met Carol with marriage being the furthest thing from my mind. I was enjoying (for the most part) living the life of a bachelor. But, while I was stubbornly having a very good time, looking back, it's obvious that I wasn't being a very good version of me.

But, marrying Carol just a short five months after our first date, changed my life. Maybe she saw potential in what was a pretty broken person. (Then again, maybe I had just totally faked her out.) Regardless, because of the person she is, she allowed me to see that there was a much better version of me possible. She was patient with my insecurities. She was the encouragement that I sorely needed. She was steadfast in her faith which was truly my first best glimpse of Jesus. (That's a life changing story for another day.) Her example; how she loved, how she cared, and how she treated others was inspiring to me. I saw in her the kind of person I hoped I could be one day. And I wanted to be the husband she deserved.

She changed my heart.

I'm not suggesting that Carol is perfect. But she was (and is) perfect for me. I got a lot of things wrong in our early years (hmmmm and maybe a few of those middle ones too.) But we persevered. We hung in there through some difficult times and there was no shortage of them back then and even now. And during and through all of that, having Carol as my wife changed my life. And it was a life that needed changing. I think maybe all of us need some life changing; otherwise, how do we ever grow? Having our two beautiful children was another life changing experience; but, that too is a blog for another day.

This one's about Carol.

So here we are... 41 years later. Neither of us the same people we were in 1983. We became better versions of ourselves, I think.

I'm pretty confident marriage is supposed to be life changing. I'm grateful that it was and is for me.

Happy anniversary sweetie. I love you forever.

Us... over the years

"I Can't Make You Love Me"

Writers: James Allen Shamblin, Michael Barry Reid
Publisher: AMPLIFIED ADMINISTRATION, Universal Music Publishing Group

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Happy 1.4610 x 10⁴

Years

Yeah… that’s right. I took some math classes back last century and learned all about scientific notation. You know what else happened last century? I got married… it was 1.4610 x 10⁴ days ago.

A question to my married friends. When you were standing before the [minister, priest, rabbi, imam, judge, friend who got “ordained” online, city recorder, magistrate, sea captain (jk, sea captains can’t legally perform weddings in the US)] and were standing at/in [the altar, judge’s chambers, wedding chapel, cool outdoor wedding venue, in-law’s living room (as in my case,)] saying your vows to one another, were you thinking about 40 years down the road?

No need to answer. I’m pretty sure, if you answer honestly, the answer is No.

At that important moment, even (in some traditions,) when we make reference to this vow being applicable for a very long time (as in “’til death do us part,”) we are probably not really thinking that far into the future nor what that might look like. I mean, why would you?

I was probably thinking no more than the next 40 hours.

I wonder what might happen if, prior to our wedding, we were able to see a video of what our married life would look like 10, 20, 30, 40 years after "I do." Would it give us any pause?

Shortly after our engagement

I’ve shared this story before… I met, asked her out on our first date (August 26, 1982,) fell in love (shortly thereafter,) got engaged (December 6, 1982,) and married Carol all inside of 175 days. Certainly not the shortest “love at first sight” story but, probably shorter than yours. We were married in her parents’ living room with only 10 other people present to include her (and now our) dear friend Marshall, her former youth minister who performed the ceremony (great job Marshall!) When Marshall asked me if I would take this woman to be my wife, I was thinking more of that present moment than the future when I said Yes!

Anyone that has been married a while knows that marriage is a lot like a day at an amusement park that is full of every type of amusement ride ever constructed. Some of the rides are nice, easy, almost romantic ones like the Ferris wheel or the swan boat ride. Beautiful views, just the right pace, nothing really to fear, and you can even sneak in a smooch or two during the ride. Other rides are exhilarating; that nearly take your breath away and get your heart pounding higher than most cardiologists would recommend. Then there are the wilder roller coasters that turn and flip you every which way that introduce varying levels of fear while you hold on for dear life and, honestly, not really think about how your spouse is faring through the ordeal. Then there are certain rides that just hurt. They yank, pull, and jar you in ways that you didn’t anticipate when you read the warning that said “This ride is not recommended for pregnant women or anyone with back or neck problems.” The difference between marriage and a day at the amusement park is that, at the park, you get to avoid the ones you don’t want to ride. In marriage, the rides just come at you and you have no choice in whether you want to get on or not.

February 9th marks our 40th wedding anniversary. 1983 was a long time ago. I mean, Ronald Reagan was the US president. I think Abraham Lincoln immediately preceded him (I probably took more math classes than US history classes.)

On February 9, 1983, I had no clue what the next 40 years would hold. But I believed then, with all my heart, that I wanted all my tomorrows to be lived side-by-side with this cute brunette who was standing by my side at that moment.

And guess what? That’s exactly what has happened. And yes… we’ve experienced all the rides.

Loving, living, and staying with someone for 40 years is both the easiest and most challenging thing I have ever done. Carol likely gets credit for the “easiest” aspect. I and life itself probably account for the “challenging” part.

Do I wish I had done some things differently over those 40 years? Of course, I do.

Do I wish that there were elements of our life today that could be different than they are? Sure.

Some of you know what our current circumstance is. If I knew then what I know now, would I still have said Yes 40 years ago?

Absolutely. Unequivocally. Without a doubt. No need to even pause to think about it. 

But this is important. You should know that when I stood there on that Wednesday night 40 years ago (who gets married on a Wednesday btw?) I believed that I was pulling off the greatest heist in history… I had somehow managed to convince this incredibly sweet, beautiful, remarkable woman, that was so, so far out of my league, to marry… me. I still feel that way. She’s still way out of my league. And I still can’t help but feel like I got away with something.

I used to be thankful for every year that we had been given together. Nowadays I am thankful for each day we wake up together.

I love you, Carol Toomey. Happy 40 years together.

Today, I’m giving thanks to God for Day 14,610 as husband and wife.

I’ll think about Day 14,611 tomorrow.

40 years together

35... and counting

My sweetie

I Googled the number 35 to see what results I would get. Did you know that there is a Wikipedia page devoted to the number 35? I didn't either. The obvious question is... why?

35 years ago, I married the person formerly known as Carol Williams on February 9th, making the year 1983 a pretty big deal for me. 1983 wasn't just a big deal for me though. 1983 marked the beginning of the internet. It also was the year that the first cell phone call was made... according to Wikipedia.

If you think of the incredible impact that the internet and cellular technology has had on the world, it is, especially for those of us that knew a world without them, unbelievably significant. Try to think of a world without the internet and cell phones. You probably can't (or even want to) do that.

As much as you can't imagine a world without the internet and cell phones, it pales in comparison to how much I can't imagine a life without Carol as my wife and partner. Life is pretty cool with internet and mobile phones. Life for me is wonderful, meaningful, bountiful, and hopeful because, 35 years ago, a woman I never thought would be attracted to someone like me.... said yes.

Oh, we have had our share of days... even weeks and short seasons... of difficulty. But, if we were paying attention to the vows we spoke to each other and to God all those 35 years ago, we acknowledged that we would have times when life would be hard and we would struggle. But, through those past struggles and the certain struggles to come, we have and will continue to fiercely love each other and give thanks to God for every day He gives us.

I love you Carol Toomey. Thank you for marrying me. Happy Anniversary (a couple of days early.)

Her name is Carol

30 years. Three decades. 10,958 days. No matter, how you calculate it...it's  a long time. On February 9th, I will have been married for 30 years.

The first time I met Carol, a mutual friend introduced us...we gave each other the once over, smiled...said hi and we both went about our way not even thinking twice about the other. The second time we met... probably a year later...well, that is a different story. Within a month of that second encounter I was pretty sure this was the woman that I wanted to marry. I was in LOVE. 5 months later, we were, in fact, married.

For those of you who know my wife, when you read this, I expect that you will be nodding in agreement.

Carol is the kindest person I know. She cares deeply about others. She talks to anybody...she talks to everybody. It doesn't matter to her if you are the president of the bank or the lady that cleaned our hotel room...she will strike up a conversation with you and genuinely be interested in what you have to say. She is polite, respectful and is never trying to draw any attention to herself. She always wants to help without looking for anything in return. She loves her family. She is a great friend. She is a hard worker. She loves to laugh.

I can't speak for Jessica or Michael....our kids (now adults.) But, I think she was and is one of the best Moms a child could have. To this day, when one of our kids comes home, their later departure is still accompanied by a very prolonged hug and... she cries. She loves our kids (and son-in-law) furiously. And she loves our kid's friends. The walls of our home are covered in photographs, taken over the years that includes pictures of our kid's friends from church, school and college. In Carol's mind she adopted all of them into our family. She has made the houses we've lived in a home...a refuge...a place that smells like a Yankee Candle store, feels as comfortable as your favorite blue jeans, and is as welcoming as you could imagine.

But you see, 30 years ago, I didn't know all these things. What I saw was a hot little brunette that seemed to like me, laughed at my stupid jokes (still does), and was so easy to talk to. Our first phone conversation wherein I asked her out for our first date lasted about 2 hours (not because I was slow to ask..I got the "will you go out with me?" question handled in the first 3 minutes.)

Our 30 year marriage has certainly had its ups and downs. There were some periods where I'm sure she wondered if this marriage would make it...wondered if she could stand to stay married to me. I have not always been the easiest person to be married to. But she has hung in there with me and I still wonder how a guy like me could have ever gotten a gal like her.

Oh...one more thing. I see Jesus in Carol. I am married to a Godly woman...a woman who has a strong faith...a woman who prays...and prays. A woman who spends a lot of time in God's Word. A woman after God's heart. When we spoke our vows in her parent's living room on a Wednesday night in front of her former youth pastor and a handful of family and friends, she made a promise to me. But she also made a promise to God. And she has kept that promise for the last 30 years. I don't expect that to change over the next 30.

Her name is Carol and I fell in love with her 30 plus years ago, love her to this day and will love her as long as I have breath. Happy Anniversary sweetie.