Monday, April 22, 2024

Seasons


When you see the word seasons, my guess is that your immediate thought goes to the seasons that the earth experiences due to its axis tilt and orbit around the sun... winter solstice, spring equinox, summer solstice and autumn equinox. Most of us have a favorite season. And it seems that no matter which season we are in, we get tired of it and want the next season to arrive. Spring is beautiful but... I'm ready for the beach and swimming. Autumn is great but enough already... let's get on with winter so that we can see some snow and go skiing. We never seem to be satisfied.

But there are a host of other things that exist for a period of time that can best be described as a season:

College football season, prom season, pollen season, bow season (deer hunting,) mating season, peak travel season, bathing suit season, ski season, baseball season, flu season... I think you get my drift. 

The bible also mentions seasons. One passage in particular can be found in the Book of Ecclesiastes. In Chapter 3:1-8 it says (in the King James translation:)

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which was planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

Tradition holds that Ecclesiastes was written by King Solomon, however, many commentators and historians suggest a different author. Regardless of which very wise person wrote it, you must acknowledge the obvious truth found in those 8 verses. We don't necessarily like all the truths found in those words because they describe contrasting realities; some that we like, some that we don't.

We enjoy the seasons of life that go in accordance to our wishes, desires, and plans. We enjoy, more than others, certain seasons of our children's childhoods. People say things like, "enjoy this phase of their life because, before you know it, they will be grown."

In our careers we experience seasons... seasons of growth and promotion, seasons of raises and being an influencer, seasons of being highly valued and impactful. But, after enough time, things can change and not necessarily for the better.

A friend and I were sorta talking about this topic the other day. We are both old guys but remember when our opinions and influence in a certain domain were respected and requested. But now it is no longer our time to be the influencers, change makers, or decision-makers. That time has now passed to another generation of influencers and decision-makers... as it should be. And we need to be OK with that. A time to influence and a time to be influenced.

(I'm the bald one)
An interesting (at least to me) coincidence occurred in the last two days. I was looking on my old laptop yesterday for a Word document and, in doing so, came across a letter I had written in November 2012 to our then senior pastor. In it, I acknowledged the many changes that our church was wrestling with and the dissatisfaction with the way things were that I sensed was swirling around. I was the worship leader in our contemporary service at the time and had been in that role for 7 years. I had prayed and been sensing that it might be time for me to step aside and let someone else take over the duties of worship leader. So I offered to resign. My sense was obviously correct as my resignation was immediately accepted. I did agree to stay on until a new worship leader could be found, which took until April 2015 to accomplish. The coincidence was that today, a Facebook Memory from 9 years ago popped up that showed pictures of me and the praise team from my last Sunday leading worship... April 22, 2015. My role leading worship was meant to only be for a season... not forever. A time to lead and a time to be led.

But, our instincts are to hold on for dear life to all the things we want not to change. We lament, "why can't things be like they used to be?" Or, in contrast, "when will this miserable time come to an end?"

Because, as the writer of Ecclesiastes tells us so eloquently and directly, life is a continual series of seasons and change. Some of those come back around and repeat like the earth's seasonal cycles (although never exactly the same.) But some seasons have a start and they have an end, never to be repeated. Some of those seasons will be the kinds we wish for while others will be seasons that we wish would just stop.

But we need to try to see God at work in all our seasons... seasons of great joy and seasons of lament and difficulty. Because He is there with us in all of them and there is something He desires to teach us through all our seasons. Even if it is just reminding us that He loves us and has everything under control.

To every thing there is a season.

And in the words of Pete Seeger: turn, turn, turn.


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Friday, March 29, 2024

I don't have the words

"I don't have the words"

If you are any kind of a sports fan, you've witnessed something like this. After the championship football game, the sideline reporter grabs the quarterback or other star player of the winning team and asks them what this win means to them. And the next thing you sometimes hear is, "I don't have the words."

It's true. We have moments in our lives when something we experience leaves us... speechless. We are unable to articulate, in that moment, what we are feeling. We say things like, "words fail me." We imply that our vocabulary is inadequate to give a proper description or account of something that is incredibly special or moving. It's not that we have an inadequate vocabulary; it is usually just a case of emotion temporarily overwhelming our communication skill... we can't find the words.


When we were very young, our vocabularies were quite limited. I fondly remember learning new vocabulary words in elementary school. As we grew older, through learning and experience, our vocabularies expanded giving us the database for our written and verbal skills. And it is common knowledge that reading is one of the most powerful ways for children (and adults) to be exposed to and retain vocabulary words. It is believed that an average 20-year old's vocabulary is 42,000 lexemes. (Sit, sits, sat, sitting are 4 words but they are forms of the same lexeme.)

So, having or not having words can be an issue of education/ breadth of vocabulary, a matter of articulation skill or lack thereof, a function of our current emotional state and/or preparedness, or any number of other factors.

All of these words and our ability to hear them, our knowledge of how to read them, and arrange them in such a way that allows us to understand and to express ourselves, reside in multiple regions in our brain. Psychologists and neuroscientists refer to the "language center" to encompass the various parts of the brain that collectively allow us to process language. And it's not just the words we hear, see, and speak. Our very thoughts and ideas are comprised of words/ language. Language is also an essential part of our working memory and cognitive capability.

Almost 8 years ago my wife began to have some struggles with normal communication. She was specifically having trouble with word-finding. When she would get hung up she'd say, "I can't get my words out" and that eventually progressed to "I don't have the words." After a multitude of tests and one very long neuropsychological examination, she was diagnosed with aphasia. And her aphasia was connected to cognitive, memory, and even some early motor issues (apraxia.)  In a nutshell... dementia.

Dementia isn't really a disease in and of itself and not all dementias are the same.


Dementia is a brain condition caused by an underlying disease such as Alzheimer's or other diseases like Parkinson's, or vascular disease, or primary progressive aphasia, to name a few. We often think of dementia as primarily memory loss but it involves so many other things.

In Carol's case, the primary areas of her brain that are damaged and are shrinking are the frontal and temporal areas. Eventually the damage will move deeper into areas of the brain that control some pretty important functional parts of the body.

Over the last 8 years, we have moved from "I don't have the words" (which are themselves spoken words in a sentence) to very few words spoken at all. I frequently wonder what her thoughts are. Or if she can still pray silently. I wonder if there is any communication in her dreams. I like to think that there's more going on in her head and it just isn't being made known to all of us.

And, despite this terrible road she has been on, she's the same sweet Carol I've known for nearly 42 years

And how much does she mean to me? 

I don't have the words.


Disclaimer: I don't profess to be a doctor, scientist, or expert and therefore what I have written may not perfectly describe the subject matter. I've written what my understanding is from my own observations and research these last few years. Some of it may be a bit inaccurate but, I'm not trying to write a medical abstract. I'm just sharing my opinions and thoughts. Look, I'm just a husband. (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.)

Some of you may feel that I am oversharing about my wife's illness. I will respond this way. I am finding that expressing my thoughts about this journey is therapeutic for me. I'm not much for journaling so this has become my outlet to write some thoughts down. And maybe this is informative for at least some of you. So, if that's OK, I'll continue sharing my thoughts until I no longer want to or am no longer able. I'm encouraged that we finally speak very openly about conditions affecting women's ta-tas and men's prostates but, we seem to shrink to only whispers in secret when it comes to maladies of and injuries to the brain. We shouldn't feel constrained about talking about this subject. So many people and families are affected by it.

Thanks for reading.

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Friday, March 22, 2024

Cheap? ...or just thrifty?


Stretch that thing


My parents were divorced in 1959. I wasn't even 4-years old. After the divorce, mom and we three kids moved in with my grandmother who, only a couple of years earlier, had become a widow. She operated a nursing home and it had an attached personal residence in the back. A nursing home would be where I called home for the next four years until my mother remarried and we moved away to Boston.

My grandmother was born in 1905. When the US stock market crashed in October 1929, marking the beginning of the Great Depression, she was newly married and soon to be pregnant with her first child (my mother.) My mother's earliest memories would have been ones overwhelmingly influenced by the brutal economic climate and the unimaginable social calamity of her earliest childhood years. Bread lines, unemployment, homelessness, and general malaise and hopelessness were the order of the day for millions of people. Fortunately, our family fared better than some.


There was a motto during those times: "Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without." Frugality was required and it affected how most households operated. If you had any available greenspace, you planted a vegetable garden. Meals were dominated by one-pot varieties, casseroles, soups, lower-cost meals like macaroni and cheese, beans and franks, and creamed asparagus or chipped beef on toast. And you never wasted anything, especially food. It was considered sinful to waste food. 

By the time I came along in the mid-50s, I was living with two women that knew how to squeeze every drop out of every dollar spent. Most of my clothes had been my brother's a few years earlier. We never threw away any bread no matter how stale it became (mold was the determining factor, not freshness.) I remember smelling the milk (every time) before pouring it to check for the aroma of sourness. If I thought it was sour I'd tell my grandmother and she would say, "drink it... it's fine." She was right, of course. (But it really was becoming sour.)

I find it pretty funny that I still live, in many ways, with one foot in the depression-influenced environment in which I was raised and the life of plenty I have enjoyed most of my adult life.


I think nothing of spending $9 for a cup of coffee (w/ tip) from my favorite coffee shop but I still feel the urge to invert a virtually empty ketchup bottle directly on top of the newly opened one to get the last $0.26 worth of that Heinz goodness into the new bottle.
still some in there


You'd think it was frankincense from biblical times.

I don't think twice about buying a $200 DeWalt power tool that I may actually only use 3 times before that tool sees its first birthday... and yet, I still hesitate throwing out a jar of Better Than Bouillon in my refrigerator that has a "Best used by" date of 2022 (because I know it is still usable and won't kill anyone.)

My life straddles the world of encyclopedias and the AI driven search engines of 2024. I'm a guy that gets all my money's worth out of my Amazon Prime membership but still has the urge to wash out and re-use Ziplock bags (I don't though.) I am doing better.... you'll find no leftovers in margarine or Cool Whip containers (I can't write Cool Whip without hearing Stewie from Family Guy say Cool Hwip.)

We always seem to have and make good use of leftovers. "I can make a meal for us out of these leftovers from the last 3 days," I say. I feel so accomplished when we "clean out the fridge" like I have successfully taken all my scraps of cloth and made an heirloom quilt (I've never made a quilt, btw.)

So, my question is, am I cheap or am I just thrifty?

I think the answer is yes.


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Monday, March 18, 2024

Is This Really Living?

It is good, right?

There is a term that has been around since the 1950s called Activities of Daily Living... ADL. The term is used to describe the 6 most basic functional "skills" that adults should possess. They are:

  • Ambulating- moving from point to point and walking independently
  • Feeding- feeding yourself
  • Dressing- choosing appropriate clothing and dressing yourself
  • Personal hygiene- bathing, grooming, maintaining your dental hygiene, nails and hair
  • Continence- controlling your bladder and bowel function
  • Toileting- getting to and from the toilet and "tidying up" afterwards
According to the National Institute of Health, there is also a list of "Instrumental" ADLs. These are:
  • Transportation and shopping
  • Managing finances
  • Shopping and meal preparation (shopping is evidently important)
  • Housecleaning and home maintenance
  • Managing communication with others
  • Managing medications
I can't help but stay focused on the term "daily living." I know these described capabilities are primarily used to assess the degree to which adults may or may not need to be dependent on someone else to navigate pretty basic but necessary things. (I am intimately familiar with all of this these days.) And I don't really have a better description to offer to what they call "daily living." But there has to be more to daily living than the 6 basics and 6 bonus items above, right? I mean, wouldn't this be better described as "daily existing?" Is what's listed above... really living?

I vaguely remember my high school psychology class but I do remember reading about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It was like the food pyramid only completely different. I know I need nuts, grains, and vegetables but, according to Maslow,  I also need intimate relationships and self actualization, among other things.


Source: Chiquo, CC BY-SA 4.0 via Wikimedia Commons

So, if I have all these needed things, does that mean that I am truly living? Or am I just surviving, or existing, or is there some other basal term that is appropriate?

There has to be more to life than food, and shelter, and toileting, and shopping, and holding a fork, and being creative, and balancing a checkbook, right? I realize my question smacks of a myopic, first-world interrogatory but, my question remains nonetheless.

Isn't there more to life than having these core needs met?

Maybe the bible can help me out here. I'm not looking to merely get by, to only navigate from one day to the next until death us do part. So, I went looking to see what scripture says about life's intention. Well, as it turns out, there is a whole lot to be found there about how we should live our life and what our expectations can be in doing so. In fact, there is so much there that this blog won't remotely be able to do it justice. But one verse in particular stands out.

Jesus is answering the Pharisees in John chapter 10 (Jesus had just healed a man who was born blind and the Pharisees were fixated on his potential rule breaking and the reason for the man's blindness rather than the miracle Jesus had just performed.) In Chapter 10, Jesus explains why He came and uses the metaphorical image of being the Good Shepherd. The shepherd would lay down his life for his sheep. His sheep know him and know him so well that they can pick out his voice above all the noisy voices that might surround them. And then Jesus says this at the end of verse 10 (I'm quoting from the New American Standard version because this was my very first bible... given to me by my wife.) "...I came so that they may have life, and have it abundantly." (emphasis mine) Now that sounds better than activities and needs.

The Greek word used for abundant is περισσὸν (perissos) and Barnes' Notes on the Bible commentary translates it this way:

"Literally, that they may have abundance, or that which abounds. The word denotes that which is not absolutely essential to life, but which is superadded to make life happy. They shall not merely have life – simple, bare existence – but they shall have all those superadded things which are needful to make that life eminently blessed and happy.”

Thayer's Greek Lexicon defines perissos/ abundant as: "over and above, more than is necessary, superadded"

With all due respect to Sidney Katz' ADLs and Maslow's pyramid of needs, I'm pretty sure I want an abundant life. 

I want what Jesus is offering. I don't want to just get by day-by-day. And I'm not talking about material things or what the world would say is an abundant life. I want to live life with a different perspective and a different priority. I want what my Creator intended for me.

And that's why I have been a Jesus follower since 1984. And He is faithful.

Carol and I could not navigate our "daily living" without Him.


New American Standard Bible Copyright© 1960 - 2020 by The Lockman Foundation.









Friday, March 15, 2024

Broken Toys

 


Carol and I were up in Asheville a few weekends ago to visit with our son, his wife, and their adorable 16-month old son (or as we like to say, our adorable grandson.) Asheville has been one of our favorite places for many years, long before they ever moved there... in fact, long before our kids were even born. While there, they took us over to the River Arts District to walk through Marquee, which is a large artist's gallery/ antique mall. 


In one of the booths there was an old bicycle, probably from the 40s or 50s. I remember thinking that somebody must have decided long ago that this bike had value and, rather than just sending it to the junkpile, they kept it for all these years. Somebody found or bought it, cleaned it up a bit, and put a price tag on it that is many times more than what the bike sold for when it was brand new. I shared with Carol that, when I was a boy, my 3-year older brother had an old Rollfast brand bike which, well worn and largely beaten up, eventually got handed down to me and I promptly beat it up some more. It finally got replaced several years later when I purchased, with money I had earned one summer mowing lawns, a brand new Schwinn Varsity 10-speed. 



Rollfast

Both that old Rollfast and my Schwinn would probably be worth a lot now despite the fact that they were both well worn by the time I was done with them. I started to think about all the toys in my childhood that ended up discarded... considered to have no more value.

In 1991, I went on a mission trip to Panama to help construct a church building to replace an old raggedy tent they had been using for worship. It was shortly after Christmas (the dry season) and there were dozens of kids around the church site because that time of year was like their summer vacation from school. I remember one kid playing with some sort of stick toy for hours on end. When I finally went over to talk with him I got a closer look at his "toy." Picture a wooden stick with the cardboard insert of a toilet paper roll glued on the end and then a feather glued to the cardboard tube. (I asked AI to make me a picture from my description... see below)

AI's interpretation of it

At least that was all that remained of what his parents originally made for him as his Christmas toy. From a distance, I had been amazed watching him play with it for hours. I was humbled deeply when I saw up close what most of us would consider a sad, useless bunch of trash glued together. Despite its current condition, this "broken toy" was still very valuable in this sweet boy's eyes. He could not have been more proud of that toy. After all, it was a gift. But most of us don't have the same attitude as that little boy.

I think sometimes our attitude towards people can be similar to how we think about broken toys. Broken toys are no longer useful, right? But what about broken people?

People that battle with alcohol or drug addiction. Steer clear of these people. They're not worth the effort. Talk about broken.

People that have failed. Failed in school, failed in business, failed in marriage. Failures. Failure may be contagious. Ease away from these unsuccessful folks.

People that are struggling and their struggles make us feel too uncomfortable. Debilitating physical illness, mental health challenges, terminal disease, ambulatory problems. These toys are no fun to play with anymore. I mean, they don't even work right. Let's just play with the unbroken ones.

We live in a disposable world. In many cases, that disposability makes things easier and more convenient. I think some of that disposability has carried over into other parts of our lives, our relationships, and our society in general. Disposing of people can also be easier and more convenient rather than showing them that they still matter and have worth to us. 

People shouldn't be disposable or forgotten. Even the broken ones.

Maybe especially the broken ones. Broken toys still have value.


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Friday, February 9, 2024

It Changed My Life



You will sometimes hear people talk about something being "life changing." I've heard folks describe everything from their air fryer to an incredible travel experience to the birth of a child in that way. (Some of you might be a bit overly obsessed with your kitchen appliance.)

Seriously describing something as life changing typically suggests something significant. And it's not always something positive. The death of a spouse, child, or other close person in your life can certainly have that effect too. So when I say that something "changed my life" I am not using the more flippant version of that term.

February 9th- 41 years ago Carol and I were married. Nothing fancy about the ceremony. We did get dressed up a bit. But, short of getting married in front of a justice of the peace, it was as simple as a wedding could be... we were married by her former youth minister in my future in-laws' living room with barely enough people there to field a baseball team. But, the unadorned nature of the occasion did not, in any way, diminish the seriousness and holiness of the moment.

Almost six years earlier, in my fancy, rented tuxedo, I had recited vows to a different woman in front of an adorned church full of people. That marriage should have "changed my life." But it didn't. And it didn't change hers either. Maybe that is why, four years later, that marriage failed. And I felt like a failure. And a promise breaker, regardless of the fact that I didn't want the divorce. But, there is truth in the words in Bonnie Raitt's 1990 recording:

 "I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't." 

painfully learned that truth ten years before Michael Reid and James Shamblin ever wrote those lyrics.

But, a little over two years later, I met Carol with marriage being the furthest thing from my mind. I was enjoying (for the most part) living the life of a bachelor. But, while I was stubbornly having a very good time, looking back, it's obvious that I wasn't being a very good version of me.

But, marrying Carol just a short five months after our first date, changed my life. Maybe she saw potential in what was a pretty broken person. (Then again, maybe I had just totally faked her out.) Regardless, because of the person she is, she allowed me to see that there was a much better version of me possible. She was patient with my insecurities. She was the encouragement that I sorely needed. She was steadfast in her faith which was truly my first best glimpse of Jesus. (That's a life changing story for another day.) Her example; how she loved, how she cared, and how she treated others was inspiring to me. I saw in her the kind of person I hoped I could be one day. And I wanted to be the husband she deserved.

She changed my heart.

I'm not suggesting that Carol is perfect. But she was (and is) perfect for me. I got a lot of things wrong in our early years (hmmmm and maybe a few of those middle ones too.) But we persevered. We hung in there through some difficult times and there was no shortage of them back then and even now. And during and through all of that, having Carol as my wife changed my life. And it was a life that needed changing. I think maybe all of us need some life changing; otherwise, how do we ever grow? Having our two beautiful children was another life changing experience; but, that too is a blog for another day.

This one's about Carol.

So here we are... 41 years later. Neither of us the same people we were in 1983. We became better versions of ourselves, I think.

I'm pretty confident marriage is supposed to be life changing. I'm grateful that it was and is for me.

Happy anniversary sweetie. I love you forever.

Us... over the years


"I Can't Make You Love Me"
Writers: James Allen Shamblin, Michael Barry Reid
Publisher: AMPLIFIED ADMINISTRATION, Universal Music Publishing Group



Tuesday, January 30, 2024

Simple Pleasures

Ain't that the truth

 

Today, we took a leisurely, 30-minute drive to Edgefield, SC, the seat of the mostly rural county where we live. It's a nice drive. There is a butcher shop there where I like to buy some of our meat. I like it because it is a small town, family-owned business. They are friendly, have good quality meat, and the prices are pretty good. We didn't go to the butcher shop today. My freezer's full.

We've never been fancy people. Neither of us grew up that way. And even while having a relatively successful, good paying career, we pretty much stuck to our pretty modest lifestyle. No fancy houses, clothes, or cars. We've done some traveling. Carol and I have cruised the Caribbean, vacationed in the Virgin Islands, skied in Colorado, spent time in San Francisco, San Diego, Dallas, Phoenix/Sedona/Flagstaff/Grand Canyon, Orlando, Miami, Niagara Falls, and most of New England, among other places. We've been to Israel, Italy, and Korea together. Most of our vacations have been by car to destinations within 4-6 hours of our house (some of my favorite family times.) Our kids spent a lot of their childhood vacation time in our car but, also had a few airline vacations.

Kaya, our 15-year old black lab mix, has always loved riding in the car. I drive an old Tahoe so, with the back seats down she has plenty of room in the back. I put her dog bed back there along with a non-spill water bowl and off we go.

During one of my butcher shop trips a while back, Carol and Kaya came along. There is a McDonald's across the street from the butcher shop so, after putting my purchase in the cooler, we went through the drive-thru. Carol always gets a kid's meal because she eats like a bird, I usually get 2 cheeseburgers, and I ordered a plain hamburger for Kaya. Then we drove downtown to see if there was a parking space on Edgefield's very simple, but pretty square.


It was a beautiful, sunny, warm-but-not-hot day, We parked, rolled down the windows (actually I just used the buttons,) and settled in for our fancy meal. I took Kaya's plain burger around to the back, raised the lift gate, and pulled apart the bun and hamburger patty into her travel food bowl. She gobbled it up about as fast as I could break it apart. She was so happy.

Ever since that first time, anytime I've needed to go to the butcher, Carol and Kaya have ridden with me and we do our meal-in-the-car-on-the-square-thing. In December we ate our gourmet food while listening to Christmas carols that were playing outside (we live in the south... still warm enough to have the windows at least partially down.)

If you read my last post, (click here) you know that I'm taking Kaya to the vet this week (Thursday) because it is time for her to rejoin her sister, Maddie who we said goodbye to in 2022.

And if you read my two posts prior to that one, (click here) you also know what's going on with Carol's health.

So, today, I decided that we needed to have our McDonald's-on-the-square experience with sweet Kaya one more time. And Kaya isn't the only one that enjoys that simple pleasure. It's very enjoyable for Carol so... that's what we do.

Never take simple pleasures for granted. Because they are the best ones.


Thursday, January 25, 2024

You'll Know When It's Time

Kaya (left) and Maddie (right) a few years back
You'll know when it is time. Really? I'll know?

That's what the gal at the vet said the last time I was in there last fall when I asked when it will be time to bring our dog back in... for the last time.

We've had Kaya, our black lab mix, since spring of 2009. Our son had brought her home from college one weekend because a friend at school had been fostering Kaya (her name was Maggie then) but, she had to go out of town. She asked Michael if he could take care of her that weekend.

So, he brought her home from college to spend a weekend with us.

Lucy


A couple of years earlier, we had said goodbye to Lucy, the dog that both our kids had grown up with. The way we loved that dog caused one of Jessica's friends to say, "the Toomeys are obsessed with their dog." She was right. But, after Lucy got sick and had to be put to sleep, I said, "no more... no more dogs. I can't go through this again."


But, we love dogs. And we immediately fell in love with Kaya that weekend... this rambunctious puppy that was only a few months old. She was available for adoption so, we made her part of the family.

I could write 10 more blogs about our experiences with Kaya but, I will spare you. For now.

Dogs of Kaya's size and breed don't usually live to be this old. Lucy, a shepherd mix, died at around 12 and had been sick for a while prior to that.

In July 2022, I had to take Maddie to the vet because her back end had given out and she was in obvious pain. We had adopted Maddie not too long after we adopted Kaya so that Kaya could have a companion. That was a hard day at the vet. I cried all the way home and then some.

But now I have to make a decision about Kaya. She just had her 15th birthday. I won't get into her current health issues but, our vet agrees that surgical intervention for the most obvious issue (there is more than one) is probably unwise given her age and her likely diagnosis. Let her enjoy her remaining time, he suggested.

So, how will I know that it is time? I wish dogs could verbally communicate. I could ask her if she was in pain. Maybe she could tell me that she is ready to go.

Michael & family are coming here this weekend. It's going to be his opportunity to say goodbye to this sweet girl that he brought home to us and has been a part of our lives for almost 15 years.

I'm going to call the vet next week. Putting this off is selfish on my part because I just don't want to say goodbye... again.

I know it's time.


Friday, December 29, 2023

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

We all know the answer to this one.

You eat an elephant one bite at a time.

Have you ever thought about the different techniques that are used to eat some of the more common foods that we consume without knife, fork, or spoon?

I need you to get your mind's eye in focus here. One at a time, I want you to picture how you hold and then eat these common food items below. Think about your fingers/ hand(s) position, how you grasp it, and your "attack angle" to take a bite.

  • A hard shell taco (although a true Mexican taco is always soft, flour tortilla)
  • A hot dog with chili and slaw
  • A large slice of NY style pizza
  • A big, juicy, gourmet hamburger
  • A double scoop ice cream cone
  • Buffalo wings
  • Ribs
  • Corn on the cob

I recently saw a graphic that illustrated the correct way to eat a taco... grasp from the top, holding at the center of gravity of the taco, taco in alignment with mouth, head angled 45 degrees, and go for it. Sounds about right to me. Oh, and pray the corn tortilla doesn't shatter into a dozen pieces.

My experience eating a hot dog (especially one with many toppings) is an underneath grip (two hands initially,) hot dog/bun perpendicular to your face and level with the ground.... mouth wide open, straight in.

Now, the NY style (let's call it "floppy") pizza has a couple of variations when eating. There is the fold-in-half-method, folding from the mid-line of the crust to the point, thus eliminating the floppiness and even allowing it to be eaten one-handed. And there is also the two-handed non-folded method; crust held by the fingers of one hand, and pointed end supported by the fingers of the other hand (or even the back of the fingers of the other hand.)

The bigger the hamburger and the greater the toppings, the more challenging it is to eat without making a complete mess. But, it clearly is a two-handed method with solid grips with thumbs and fingers at 3:30 and 8:30.

Ice cream-in-a-cone eating includes the straight-up lick method, the more sideways lick while twirling method, and the psycho biting method. This is not an exhaustive list of methods by any means.

The ones I've listed above that have a similar holding technique are the chicken wing, rib, and corn on the cob. On the other hand, I've seen an entire chicken wing (flat or drum) placed in the mouth and pulled back out while the teeth scrape everything off leaving only bone/ joint. Never saw anyone do that with a baby back rib or corn on the cobb.

I was having lunch the other day with a friend and we were talking about how infrequently Carol and I go out to eat these days. With her dementia, she has started to lose the ability to navigate the eating process. She still does fairly well at home with a fork and spoon provided I've pre-cut things into bite-size pieces. And while introducing more finger type foods is generally the migration for folks with dementia that can still feed themselves, not all finger foods are truly "finger" foods. Chicken nuggets, French fries, cut up raw vegetable/ fruit or other food items that are easy to hold and are one or two-bite items are what I now consider finger foods. (Some of the finger foods aren't things you want to eat too frequently though.)

Sandwiches that can easily fall apart (i.e. a Jersey Mike's sub or a BLT, etc.) are too difficult and frustrating for her. So now I prepare sandwiches with "sticky" ingredients that can hold the sandwich together like peanut butter, pimiento cheese, grilled cheese, chicken salad, etc.

The other day we had chili slaw dogs. Mine were prepared the normal way. Hers I "deconstructed" and cut the bun and hot dog into bite-size pieces. Then I layered on some mustard, chili, and slaw and she was able to eat it fairly successfully with a fork. It looked like a mess on her plate but, she loved it and ate it all. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Those of you that have raised kids and helped them learn how to eat have an understanding of what I'm talking about. It's just that, in many ways, we are moving in reverse.

Navigating Dementialand and all that comes with it is sorta like eating an elephant.

We're just taking it one bite at a time.


*I'm sure some of you reading this have experience taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer's disease or other form of dementia and what I've shared is familiar to you. For others, I share this for no other reason than to give you a better understanding. You can better appreciate why we and others in our situation no longer participate in most social events.

I'm no expert on dementia but, to the extent I can be helpful to others that are new to this, please feel free to reach out if I can provide some guidance or encouragement.

Remember... one bite at a time.


Thursday, December 21, 2023

I Made Her Laugh


If I am brutally honest, this is most likely how I was able to get Carol to take an interest in me. Even at 27, with a headful of hair, dreamy brown eyes, a boyish grin, and a full manly beard... I wasn't exactly the guy that all the gals were paying a lot of attention to at the Red Lion Pub that August night in 1982. But she did.

I'm pretty certain it was because I made her laugh.

Making people laugh has been my go-to for as long as I can remember. Some self-reflection a long time ago made me realize that my use of humor was a coping mechanism to compensate for some self-esteem issues that I had when I was a young boy. I was always the smallest boy in my class (and almost always the youngest.) When I was picked on about my size, I would just deflect it by making a joke. Not really the stereotypical class clown, just someone that used humor as a way of making people like me. And, for the most part, it worked. I also got (and I still get) a lot of satisfaction from making people laugh.

But, back to Carol. You know, not everyone appreciates a good laugh. Some folks are pretty serious minded all the time. I have to say though that little Carol Williams was a woman that LOVED to laugh. She comes from a family that loves to laugh. (That made me like them immediately.)

While I was still making her laugh, I convinced her that we should get married and, since we already had made up our minds about that, what was the point of a drawn out engagement? Let's just get it done. And so we did. And here we are.

So, why am I sharing all this with you? OK, you make her laugh... what's the big deal?

The big deal is that Carol was diagnosed with dementia in July 2016. I know the day, where I was sitting when I took the phone call, and I can probably tell you exactly what I was wearing. That was not a laughing kind of day. In fact, after the phone conversation with the doctor, I told my boss I needed to step out, I got in my car, and I rode around for about 40 minutes all the while crying like I hadn't done in a very long time. Not much laughing that day.

If you are curious, you can Google primary progressive aphasia and frontotemporal dementia. You may be familiar with Bruce Willis' medical condition. Same diagnosis.

Not exactly hilarious stuff.

But here's the deal. You just have to keep moving forward and try to make the best of the situation. Play the cards you've been dealt. If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Look for the silver lining in the dark clouds. You know... do all that stuff. I like a good idiom as much as the next guy. But, I'm not sure those were the exact words that I wanted to share with her when I got home. I didn't really know what to say or do. So I asked (and continue to ask) God to give me the strength, patience, and wisdom I need and to let me take the very best care of her that I am capable of.

Dementia is an insidious thief. It steals so much from those that suffer from it as well as robbing the family and friends around it.

But I am so thankful that it hasn't yet stolen her laughter and sense of humor. It also hasn't stolen the sweet, kind nature that any Carol lover knows is a hallmark of the kind of person she is.

So, going on 8 years into this journey, you know what we continue to do? We're still laughing. I can hear her cackling away (at all the appropriate times) while she is watching one of her favorite romantic comedies. She loves to laugh at all the dumb commercials from Geico, Liberty Mutual, Wendy's (Bag boy, bag boy whatcha gonna do...) She loves Sebastian Maniscalco, Leanne Morgan, and Nate Bargatze. It's a mystery to me how she can no longer really speak or understand words so much, yet laughs at the punch lines at the exact right times. Music and comedy truly are the best medicines for dementia.

My goal every day is to put a smile on her face and to make her laugh. Hey, it worked 41 years ago. She's been laughing at my shtick and my stupid jokes since.

I'm not about to stop making her laugh now.


Footnote: I've not really shared much on social media about Carol's diagnosis but, I figured after 7+ years, most people that we know fairly well already know because it's not like we've tried to keep it a secret. On the other hand, it hasn't been something I've shouted from the mountaintops. So, if you didn't know before... well, now you know. Prayers are always welcomed.

Thursday, February 9, 2023

Happy 1.4610 x 10⁴


Years

Yeah… that’s right. I took some math classes back last century and learned all about scientific notation. You know what else happened last century? I got married… it was 1.4610 x 10⁴ days ago.

A question to my married friends. When you were standing before the [minister, priest, rabbi, imam, judge, friend who got “ordained” online, city recorder, magistrate, sea captain (jk, sea captains can’t legally perform weddings in the US)] and were standing at/in [the altar, judge’s chambers, wedding chapel, cool outdoor wedding venue, in-law’s living room (as in my case,)] saying your vows to one another, were you thinking about 40 years down the road?

No need to answer. I’m pretty sure, if you answer honestly, the answer is No.

At that important moment, even (in some traditions,) when we make reference to this vow being applicable for a very long time (as in “’til death do us part,”) we are probably not really thinking that far into the future nor what that might look like. I mean, why would you?

I was probably thinking no more than the next 40 hours.

I wonder what might happen if, prior to our wedding, we were able to see a video of what our married life would look like 10, 20, 30, 40 years after "I do." Would it give us any pause?

Shortly after our engagement

I’ve shared this story before… I met, asked her out on our first date (August 26, 1982,) fell in love (shortly thereafter,) got engaged (December 6, 1982,) and married Carol all inside of 175 days. Certainly not the shortest “love at first sight” story but, probably shorter than yours. We were married in her parents’ living room with only 10 other people present to include her (and now our) dear friend Marshall, her former youth minister who performed the ceremony (great job Marshall!) When Marshall asked me if I would take this woman to be my wife, I was thinking more of that present moment than the future when I said Yes!

Anyone that has been married a while knows that marriage is a lot like a day at an amusement park that is full of every type of amusement ride ever constructed. Some of the rides are nice, easy, almost romantic ones like the Ferris wheel or the swan boat ride. Beautiful views, just the right pace, nothing really to fear, and you can even sneak in a smooch or two during the ride. Other rides are exhilarating; that nearly take your breath away and get your heart pounding higher than most cardiologists would recommend. Then there are the wilder roller coasters that turn and flip you every which way that introduce varying levels of fear while you hold on for dear life and, honestly, not really think about how your spouse is faring through the ordeal. Then there are certain rides that just hurt. They yank, pull, and jar you in ways that you didn’t anticipate when you read the warning that said “This ride is not recommended for pregnant women or anyone with back or neck problems.” The difference between marriage and a day at the amusement park is that, at the park, you get to avoid the ones you don’t want to ride. In marriage, the rides just come at you and you have no choice in whether you want to get on or not.

February 9th marks our 40th wedding anniversary. 1983 was a long time ago. I mean, Ronald Reagan was the US president. I think Abraham Lincoln immediately preceded him (I probably took more math classes than US history classes.)

On February 9, 1983, I had no clue what the next 40 years would hold. But I believed then, with all my heart, that I wanted all my tomorrows to be lived side-by-side with this cute brunette who was standing by my side at that moment.

And guess what? That’s exactly what has happened. And yes… we’ve experienced all the rides.

Loving, living, and staying with someone for 40 years is both the easiest and most challenging thing I have ever done. Carol likely gets credit for the “easiest” aspect. I and life itself probably account for the “challenging” part.

Do I wish I had done some things differently over those 40 years? Of course, I do.

Do I wish that there were elements of our life today that could be different than they are? Sure.

Some of you know what our current circumstance is. If I knew then what I know now, would I still have said Yes 40 years ago?

Absolutely. Unequivocally. Without a doubt. No need to even pause to think about it. 

But this is important. You should know that when I stood there on that Wednesday night 40 years ago (who gets married on a Wednesday btw?) I believed that I was pulling off the greatest heist in history… I had somehow managed to convince this incredibly sweet, beautiful, remarkable woman, that was so, so far out of my league, to marry… me. I still feel that way. She’s still way out of my league. And I still can’t help but feel like I got away with something.

I used to be thankful for every year that we had been given together. Nowadays I am thankful for each day we wake up together.

I love you, Carol Toomey. Happy 40 years together.

Today, I’m giving thanks to God for Day 14,610 as husband and wife.

I’ll think about Day 14,611 tomorrow.


40 years together


Sunday, January 29, 2023

Hang On, That's My Bad Side

 

Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up

I was reading an article today about a well-known TV personality wherein said personality disclosed the use of Botox (and multiple plastic surgeries) to try to maintain a more youthful look. The personality mentioned a bad Botox experience one time that had not only affected this person’s “bad side” but also caused a problem on the “good side.”

When we hear those two terms, we usually think about a person’s facial profile… as in “the right side of my profile is my good side.”

Good side, bad side.

(First off, when talking appearance, maybe a more positive viewpoint would be “good side/ better side?”) But I digress.

The article’s reference to good side/ bad side got me thinking beyond facial profiles.

Do all of us have a good side and a bad side?

How about with our demeanor?

What about the way we treat people?

How about how we handle conflict?

How about the way we live our life?

How about our business/work side versus our home/ personal side?

Are there two persons living inside each of us?

We all have seen people, when having their picture taken, turn a certain way relative to the camera or phone so as to show what they perceive to be their “good side.”

But don’t we also do the same thing with other aspects of our life?

Don’t we try to hide our “bad side?”

A favorite Christian songwriter of mine from back in the day is Bruce Carroll. In the 90s he recorded a song called “Shadow and Light.”

One of the verses says this:

” I am wise, I am a fool

A servant with a yen to rule

Good intentions and selfish schemes

A saint who soars on broken wings

Noble visions and narrow eyes

Contradictions side by side

Ogres and angels share my heart

Sometimes the battle tears me apart.”

We’ve all been there. Or are there.

Good side/ bad side. A life of shadow and light.

Depending on the width of this good side/bad side spectrum, our ability to cope, justify, explain, sleep at night, maintain relationships… greatly varies.

We can become overly fixated on our bad side. We can feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, and unworthy. We may feel like a fraud. Guess what? On some level, this is all of us.

To be sure, there may be aspects of our life and behavior that need serious examination and change.

While we should not fixate solely on our bad side, neither should we rest on our good side laurels.

We are obligated to acknowledge our human imperfection and strive to do better each day. Some of this might require some third-party help.

Bruce’s song goes on to say this:

“I am shadow, I am light

I am wrong and I am right

Sometimes shining oh so bright

Sometimes fading into night

Though You see this war in me

You know all that I can be

I am precious in Your sight

You walk with me through shadow and light.”

The “You” that Bruce references is the God Who created us and understands just who and where we are.

And He loves us despite ourselves.

Maybe some one-on-One conversation with Him about what you see as your good and bad side can help.

It has helped me.


“Shadow and Light” by Bruce Carroll

Songwriter(s): Paula Carpenter, Mark Comden, Geoff Thurman

Record Label: ©1995 Word Entertainment LLC, A Warner Curb Company



Sunday, April 26, 2020

If I Have It, I Hope I'm Symptomatic


Some symptoms are better than others

We are witnessing and experiencing a global pandemic of a novel coronavirus that has been labeled SARS-CoV-2. Many of us have gained a whole new glossary of terms that has been thrust onto our collective vernacular and we furiously attempt to learn all that we can about the virus and its resulting disease called COVID-19. One of the things we have learned is that people infected with the virus may or may not show any outward, noticeable symptoms. Testing is being done on several levels. Some of the testing is to confirm whether people with symptoms do, in fact have COVID-19 or some other viral infection like influenza. This allows doctors to know the appropriate course of treatment as well as how to deal with issues of quarantine, contact tracing, etc.. Some of the testing is to see if asymptomatic (not showing symptoms) people are, in fact, carrying the disease. Some of the testing is to see if people are carrying antibodies which would be an indicator of a "successful," previous exposure/infection. Symptomatic. Asymptomatic. If you have this disease, can anyone tell? Is it noticeable to you and others around you?

I have been thinking lately about the whole issue of symptoms. My wife and I were both sick in mid-March with symptoms that, at any other time, I would have simply attributed to a cold. But, not this time. I took temperature readings every 4-6 hours and continuously asked my wife a litany of questions to see if she was experiencing any of the known symptoms of COVID-19 (we didn't and it WAS just a cold.)

But, this blog post isn't about SARS-CoV-2 or COVID-19.

If anyone asks me if I am religious, if I'm a believer, what church I attend, or any number of other queries that might answer my "spiritual identity," I would answer that I am a Christian... a follower of Jesus Christ. The church I attend is very important to me... it is the fellowship of believers with whom my wife and I have been partnered since 1983. But, it is secondary to who I am. As a believer and follower of Christ, I know that the Holy Spirit "resides" in me as in other followers of Christ.

So, this brings me back to the title of this blog. If I Have It, I Hope I'm Symptomatic.

If I am a Christian, do I demonstrate any of the symptoms?

In addition to the commands from Jesus that we find in the Gospels, the 5th Chapter of the Book of Galatians provides a pretty good summary of what those "symptoms" should look like. The entire chapter reveals attributes that a believer should be living. But, there are two verses in particular, verses 22 and 23, that are simple yet powerful. These verses are typically described as defining the "fruits of the Spirit." The symptoms, if you will, of a person who is a Christ follower.

22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control..."

There are people walking around right now with the coronavirus inside of them... but you would have a hard time knowing it from observing them. There is very little that is noticeable from the outside... nothing that distinguishes them from all the other people walking around.

Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control

I hope I'm symptomatic. I want what is inside of me to be manifested on the outside. And, as opposed to a virus, this is one thing I am eager to share with others.


Friday, April 24, 2020

Coronavirus- All Part of God's Plan?



Several years ago I taught a series of Sunday School lessons under the general title of "Lies We Hear and Say at Church." "Lies" is a pretty strong word and, yes, I was trying to be a bit sensational. My very first lesson was on the lie we often say ourselves or hear others say when asked the question about how we are doing-- "Everything is fine." It's often a lie. But that's not the one I wanted to discuss right now.

In one of the other lessons I tried to address the issue of whether everything that occurs is "part of God's plan." While the whole world is struggling with the devastation of this novel coronavirus... the loss of life and the devastation to the world's economies, the question arises... "where is God in all this?" "Is this all a part of God's plan?" First, let me say... I cannot answer this question. But, let me share the lesson I taught all those years ago. Maybe it will be helpful. Maybe not. Here is my lesson copied and pasted into this blog. I will warn you... it's a good bit longer than what I usually blog.



“It’s All Part of God’s Plan?”
Isaiah 25:1–5  • Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago. 2 You have made the city a heap of rubble, the fortified town a ruin, the foreigners’ stronghold a city no more; it will never be rebuilt. 3 Therefore strong peoples will honor you; cities of ruthless nations will revere you. 4 You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in their distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat. For the breath of the ruthless is like a storm driving against a wall 5 and like the heat of the desert. You silence the uproar of foreigners; as heat is reduced by the shadow of a cloud, so the song of the ruthless is stilled.

Acts 2:22–2422 Fellow Israelites, listen to this: Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you by miracles, wonders and signs, which God did among you through him, as you yourselves know. 23 This man was handed over to you by God’s deliberate plan and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men put him to death by nailing him to the cross. 24 But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him.


It’s said that in the language of the indigenous Maori people of New Zealand, the way one speaks of the past is to say, “the days in front” and the future is “the days behind.” The Maori see themselves as backing into the future. That seems a curious thing until you realize that the Maori have a pretty good point. Back when I was a kid, there were no such things as SUV’s or minivans. If you had a tribe of kids to haul around, you owned a station wagon. It was as long as a city block and the seats in the very back (where the unfortunate children had to sit) faced backwards. Our lives are like sitting in that back seat of a station wagon; we can easily see what is behind us, but it requires some effort to see what’s ahead of us, and even that we do not see clearly.

In fact, our ability to see even a few hours ahead into the future is extremely limited. None of us knows what the future will bring; even what will happen by the time this class ends. We can make some educated guesses and may likely be right in most of them when it comes to the immediate future. But the reality is that we cannot see into the future. Whether it’s in predicting the course of tropical storms, figuring out who’s going to win the election, or the winning lottery numbers, all we can do is make predictions using probabilities. All we can do is guess.

And that is frustrating to us much of the time.

Faced with that uncertainty, it is comforting to know that someone is at the wheel of the station wagon. Someone is driving this thing, someone who knows where we’re going.

And so, we tell ourselves, that while we cannot know exactly where we’re going, wherever it is, is part of God’s plan. God is in charge. And God’s a good driver so we can relax and enjoy the ride and the view out the back window.

Because of our future-blindness, all we can really do is attempt to interpret the past. And so, while we cannot predict with absolute certainty the things that will occur, we can contextualize and analyze the things that have occurred. And it is in the process of doing so that we often come up with the idea of a “plan”.

  • And we see that sentiment echoed in the scripture passages for today. A passage from Isaiah in which the prophet declares:

I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.


And also in the passage from the Book of Acts in which Peter is making his Pentecost Day Sermon to the crowds in Jerusalem. In it, he relays what is known as the kerygma, the core preaching of the Christian message: the story of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. As Peter tells it:

This man was handed over to you by God’s deliberate plan and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men put him to death by nailing him to the cross.

It’s important to remember that scripture does not drop out of the sky without any context. And that is certainly the case with the Book of Isaiah and the Book of Acts.

One of the main things Isaiah emphasizes in his writings is the Holiness and Sovereignty of God. The visible manifestation that Isaiah has of God in the Temple in the sixth chapter of that book is of a God sitting on a “high and exalted throne” surrounded by attending angels singing praises to God. The image of God as the great King of the Universe is found throughout the book of Isaiah and there is great emphasis on God’s sovereignty. Therefore, it only makes sense that the things that have occurred were “planned long ago.” It is important to note that the idea of a Divine Plan usually comes from the fact that you already believe in the sovereignty of God. The one necessitates the other.

The Book of Acts is the second part of a two-part work including the Gospel of Luke. This combined work, usually referred to as “Luke-Acts” has a number of prominent themes, among which is a special concern for Christian faith being shared among the Gentiles. By the time Luke-Acts was written sometime in the 80’s AD, the Christian movement had become a predominantly non-Jewish movement, in spite of its initial all-Jewish roots. As a result, there were many in the Jewish community who questioned Christianity’s legitimacy as a movement claiming the heritage of the faith of Israel. How could it, when very few of the followers were actual Israelites?

That’s why the Books of Luke and Acts makes the case over and over again that Gentile Christianity is God’s doing.

In addition, many Jews had trouble with the idea that the messiah was supposed to be crucified—something that seemed to be almost oxymoronic to them. And so, as Peter makes his speech to the crowds he notes that Jesus was crucified “in accordance with God’s established plan and foreknowledge.” Peter, by way of the Luke gospel, helps to interpret a problematic and difficult past in light of God’s overarching plan.

And so, we can see that appealing to God’s plan helps to assure the listener that it is not a random or chaotic series of events taking place, but elements of a divine plan “long established.” It can be a comfort in a time of confusion and uncertainty.


But for all this, there remain significant problems with the idea of a Plan governing ALL things.


  • Perhaps you’ve noticed this phenomenon: when a couple gets together and everything is going well, people will say, “Oh, they’re meant to be together.” And then, if they should break up, people will say, “Oh, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” We want it both ways.

One of my all-time favorite films is Lawrence of Arabia. There is a scene in the movie where the British officer T.E. Lawrence is leading the Arab army in a surprise attack against the Turkish guns at Aqaba. In order to do this, they must cross a dangerous and deadly desert and must cross the most dangerous section of it—the Anvil—at night, because it is deadly during the day. As they emerge, they discover that one man has been left behind—he has fallen off his camel somewhere back on the Anvil. Lawrence turns his camel around and heads back out to find him before the sun kills him. His Arab allies shout to him that there is no point—no one can survive the Anvil. It is written. Sometime later, Lawrence emerges from the desert in the middle of the day carrying the missing man. As the man is lowered down and given water, Lawrence says to his men “Nothing is written.”

Some time later they encounter another tribe whom they enlist to help them with the attack against Aqaba. Suddenly, there is a disturbance. One of the men in Lawrence’s group has murdered a man from the new group. The fragile alliance is about to fall apart, since the new group will be enraged if the man is not brought to justice, and the original group will be infuriated if the other tribe administers justice. Lawrence declares that he will carry out the sentence—as he is a member of neither tribe. When they bring forward the guilty party—it is the man who he had rescued from death in the desert. Pained and devastated, Lawrence executes the man. When the leader of the new tribe asks why Lawrence was so upset, he is told “The man he killed is that same man that he saved from the Anvil.” “Ah,” responds the first man. “It was written.”

See, one of the immediate problems with the idea of this Plan is that it only describes things that have already taken place. Which, when you think about it, really doesn’t serve the purpose of having a plan. What good is a plan when you can only know about it after it’s happened?

Now, to be fair there are those who claim to know God’s plan in advance. They make huge pronouncements usually about the end of the world. And they’re always wrong. And so, if the Divine Plan were made known to someone, that someone has yet to show up and be an accurate predictor. Not even the prophets claimed to have that ability.

So, even if there were some Divine Plan controlling everything, it’s not one that is made known to us, and therefore has little use for us. All we can do is watch it unfold and reflect on it after the fact. It doesn’t seem to invite us to participate.


  • Which leads us into the next problem: our role in all this. If the Divine Plan is equated with what actually happens, then it doesn’t seem that our choices matter in the slightest. In fact, have you ever heard anyone say, “Well, God planned for X but old Bill here, he just had to go and do Y”? No. If Bill goes and does something stupid, people will just shake their heads and say, “Well, I guess it’s all part of God’s plan.”

And so, it doesn’t seem that we have very much to do with God’s Plan, whatever it is. Now, to be fair, that’s kind of the point. Earlier, I noted that Isaiah strongly emphasized God’s sovereignty and as a consequence of that emphasis, the idea of God’s plan comes through. It is that same emphasis, by the way, that results in the Calvinist theology of predestination.

It was John Calvin’s realization that he could not account for why certain people seemed to respond to the Gospel and others didn’t. His only conclusion was that their responses for either good or ill were predetermined by God. Now, that flows out of a strong emphasis on the sovereignty of God. The consequence of that is that apparent choices are revealed to be part of a larger plan. Why should there be any emphasis on my making choices?

Now, perhaps God’s Plan only applies to the big things like earthquakes and football championships. Maybe my choice of soft drinks is in fact all my own. But where is the dividing line? How do I know when I’m making my own choices versus when I am simply acting out the choices planned for me? It becomes very hard to discern how an individual should act if it should turn out that some or all of our decision making is not really ours at all.

But those just wind up being interesting philosophical puzzles in the end. The biggest problem with the statement that something is “all part of God’s plan” is what it says about God.


Since God’s plan is not known to us, there is a layer of mystery that surrounds the entire thing. Now, I am not opposed to mystery, in fact, I think that it is an essential part of faith. And a healthy theology admits that there are things we cannot know about God. This is always to be preferred to a theology that basically reduces God to an old, white haired guy who basically shares all your political opinions.

But the result of this is that we maintain that God has a plan and that the things that have happened are part of that plan, then when we encounter something that we cannot understand, our only answer is “it’s a mystery.” Why did that accident happen? Why did my loved one have to die? Where is there such suffering? The answer that God’s ways are mysterious seems like a cop out. And, it presents a God who would rather remain unknown to us, which is precisely the opposite of the Gospel. The Gospel of the God walking through the Garden of Eden, revealing the Divine self to Moses and the Prophets, becoming incarnate in the person of Jesus. This does not sound like a God who is trying to remain aloof and inscrutable. This sounds like a God who is trying to be made known. The answer “It’s a mystery” sounds like the kind of thing a public official says when they say something is “classified”.


But by far, the greatest problem with the idea of a Divine Plan controlling every aspect of life is what it says about God’s character.

When people suffer a horrible experience—the death of a loved one, a life-threatening disease, an injustice, a rape—the desire to understand and to put into context is extremely strong. And the desire to be helpful for the friends and loved ones of the afflicted is likewise strong. And that’s why people say things like “It’s all part of God’s plan” because they hope to reassure the affected person with the idea that God is still in charge and that someone is still driving the station wagon.

But what is the implication of such a statement when you think about it? God planned for my loved one to die? God wanted me to get this disease? God planned for me to suffer this injustice? God wanted that young girl to be a sex slave?

What kind God is this anyway? While people intend the sentiment to be a comfort, all it does is reinforce the idea that God might actually be out to get you. How do you know that God’s plan doesn’t require you to experience some tremendous misfortune? How do you know that God’s divine plan doesn’t require you to suffer for reasons you cannot—and will not ever—fathom? What’s to say that God, for whatever mysterious reasons, has planned that your life is to be one of abject misery? What kind of God is this? Is this a God worthy of worship? Or a God worthy only of fear, like an Ancient Near Eastern despot, capricious and fickle, sacrificing the lives of the ordinary people because it amuses the King to do so? One wonders at the omnipotence and omniscience of a God who could not come up with some other way to affect the Divine purpose without such needless suffering.


But the simple truth is this: this is not the God we know. The God we know is the one revealed to us in Jesus Christ—and this is not a God aloof and disconnected or cruel and indifferent. The God we encounter in Jesus is a God of love and a God of solidarity. And a God who seeks our freedom.

That last point is the crucial one.

You cannot love someone if they are not free. If they do not have a choice in the matter. In order to truly love someone, you have to set them free. In order to be in relationship with someone, it has to be free. And God seeks relationship with us, God loves us, therefore, God must set us free.

And the consequence of our free will is that we will make choices that have terrible consequences. We will do the wrong things, we will cause pain and injury to each other. The injustices, the violence, the suffering, so much of it is the result of choices we make. The man killed in Lawrence of Arabia did not live because it was written; he did so because Lawrence chose to try to save him. Nor did he die because it was written that he must, it was the result of a choice that he had made to murder another person.

And I believe that God’s love is not confined to us, but to all creation. From the uncertainty that guides subatomic particles, to the dynamism of plate tectonics, to the power of wind and wave—we see freedom in the creation all around us. It is a freedom not only reflective of God’s love but also a freedom necessary for life. Without continental plates sliding around, without ocean currents and wind patterns, life would not be sustainable on this planet. It seems, then, that our very being is tied up with freedom, but also with the uncertainty and risk that that brings.

But there is one other thing about the God we know: this God is not removed from the suffering of the world, but is found in it. The power of the cross lies not in any magical properties, but in what it represents. The power of the cross comes in knowing that even in the midst of that profound brokenness, God is with us.

Life is not easy. It is full of challenge, sorrow, and pain. It is full of mystery and things we will struggle to understand. Throughout it all, we will be tempted to ascribe everything to a plan or to fate in order to make us feel better about knowing that someone is in control.

But when it comes to us, God does not seek to control us, but rather, He seeks for us to be free. And so, God has never promised us that everything would work out. God has never assured us that we would not suffer. God has never said that a life of faith was not without its risks; in fact, Jesus told us that a life of faith may cost us everything. But God has promised to be with us in all the times of our lives… in the times of joy and of sorrow, in celebration and in mourning.

God for sure has a great and perfect plan. What we can know is that He loves us and stands by us all the days of our lives—the days in front and the days behind—until the end of the age.