I don't have the words

"I don't have the words"

If you are any kind of a sports fan, you've witnessed something like this. After the championship football game, the sideline reporter grabs the quarterback or other star player of the winning team and asks them what this win means to them. And the next thing you sometimes hear is, "I don't have the words."

It's true. We have moments in our lives when something we experience leaves us... speechless. We are unable to articulate, in that moment, what we are feeling. We say things like, "words fail me." We imply that our vocabulary is inadequate to give a proper description or account of something that is incredibly special or moving. It's not that we have an inadequate vocabulary; it is usually just a case of emotion temporarily overwhelming our communication skill... we can't find the words.

When we were very young, our vocabularies were quite limited. I fondly remember learning new vocabulary words in elementary school. As we grew older, through learning and experience, our vocabularies expanded giving us the database for our written and verbal skills. And it is common knowledge that reading is one of the most powerful ways for children (and adults) to be exposed to and retain vocabulary words. It is believed that an average 20-year old's vocabulary is 42,000 lexemes. (Sit, sits, sat, sitting are 4 words but they are forms of the same lexeme.)

So, having or not having words can be an issue of education/ breadth of vocabulary, a matter of articulation skill or lack thereof, a function of our current emotional state and/or preparedness, or any number of other factors.

All of these words and our ability to hear them, our knowledge of how to read them, and arrange them in such a way that allows us to understand and to express ourselves, reside in multiple regions in our brain. Psychologists and neuroscientists refer to the "language center" to encompass the various parts of the brain that collectively allow us to process language. And it's not just the words we hear, see, and speak. Our very thoughts and ideas are comprised of words/ language. Language is also an essential part of our working memory and cognitive capability.

Almost 8 years ago my wife began to have some struggles with normal communication. She was specifically having trouble with word-finding. When she would get hung up she'd say, "I can't get my words out" and that eventually progressed to "I don't have the words." After a multitude of tests and one very long neuropsychological examination, she was diagnosed with aphasia. And her aphasia was connected to cognitive, memory, and even some early motor issues (apraxia.)  In a nutshell... dementia.

Dementia isn't really a disease in and of itself and not all dementias are the same.

Dementia is a brain condition caused by an underlying disease such as Alzheimer's or other diseases like Parkinson's, or vascular disease, or primary progressive aphasia, to name a few. We often think of dementia as primarily memory loss but it involves so many other things.

In Carol's case, the primary areas of her brain that are damaged and are shrinking are the frontal and temporal areas. Eventually the damage will move deeper into areas of the brain that control some pretty important functional parts of the body.

Over the last 8 years, we have moved from "I don't have the words" (which are themselves spoken words in a sentence) to very few words spoken at all. I frequently wonder what her thoughts are. Or if she can still pray silently. I wonder if there is any communication in her dreams. I like to think that there's more going on in her head and it just isn't being made known to all of us.

And, despite this terrible road she has been on, she's the same sweet Carol I've known for nearly 42 years

And how much does she mean to me? 

I don't have the words.

Disclaimer: I don't profess to be a doctor, scientist, or expert and therefore what I have written may not perfectly describe the subject matter. I've written what my understanding is from my own observations and research these last few years. Some of it may be a bit inaccurate but, I'm not trying to write a medical abstract. I'm just sharing my opinions and thoughts. Look, I'm just a husband. (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.)

Some of you may feel that I am oversharing about my wife's illness. I will respond this way. I am finding that expressing my thoughts about this journey is therapeutic for me. I'm not much for journaling so this has become my outlet to write some thoughts down. And maybe this is informative for at least some of you. So, if that's OK, I'll continue sharing my thoughts until I no longer want to or am no longer able. I'm encouraged that we finally speak very openly about conditions affecting women's ta-tas and men's prostates but, we seem to shrink to only whispers in secret when it comes to maladies of and injuries to the brain. We shouldn't feel constrained about talking about this subject. So many people and families are affected by it.

Thanks for reading.

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An apology to all sailors

Yeah, you heard me. I think we need to apologize to all the sailors out there. First off, there must be a certain population of maritime workers known as drunken sailors and, apparently, these sailors have some consistently bad habits. One of those habits has to do with their willingness to part with their money. You've heard the term "spend like a drunken sailor" haven't you? She spends money like a drunken sailor... huh? Do inebriated sailors have some unique spending habits? Seems so.

The term probably comes from the fact that when sailors would finally get shore leave (which could often times be quite infrequently) they would take those rare opportunities to indulge in all sorts of activities that involve the separation of their cash from themselves. This could involve everything from excessive souvenir shopping (yeah sure); to overindulgence of food and drink; to the activity that coined the phrase "a girl in every port." But this isn't the "____ like a sailor" I wanted to focus on.

A second phrase is commonly known: "cuss like a sailor." This would imply that sailors have another bad habit not directly attributable to excessive alcohol consumption. It appears that sailors have a colorful vocabulary. I've never heard the term "she cusses like a Coast Guard diver" or "he cusses like an Army infantryman." No..... it seems that those donning the white or denim bell bottoms have cornered the market on swearing.

I guess it has its origination in the early days of sailing. Days, weeks or months cramped together in less-than-optimum quarters probably brought out the worst in these old salts...and add in the stereotypical "boys will be boys" (since nearly all the sailors of the early days were men and boys.) So the language could get....well, salty. I don't think the foul language of sailors was necessarily something that was condoned or encouraged; it just was what it was.

On a more serious note, though. Back in 1972, a well known (now deceased) comedian pushed the envelope of decency by itemizing words that, he said, could never be used on television. It ultimately led to the US Supreme Court ruling on the prohibition of indecent dialog between the hours of 6am and 10pm (when children would be likely listening/watching) over the public airwaves. Of course, that was in the days prior to cable, satellite and internet television and satellite radio.

Coarse, vulgar, indecent and obscene language now pervades all sorts of mediums. Language used in today's music, broadcasting, social media, internet, and day-to-day conversations have devolved to a pretty nasty level. It seems like folks are trying to take it as far as possible in the direction of disgusting.

Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh is in a heap of trouble for his calling a female college student a four letter word on his radio broadcast. He's not in trouble for saying the word; he's in trouble because he called this young lady this word multiple times in a crude attempt to make a political/ cultural point. But this is the same word that Dan Akroyd used to call Jane Curtin in the Saturday Night Live comedy routine satirizing the news show "Point/Counterpoint." Akroyd even added that she was ignorant. But that was OK, I guess, because it was comedy.

We can't seem to agree on what is vulgar and what is not. Certain words are "OK" in one instance but not in another. Bill Maher used a vulgar four letter word in describing Sarah Palin a while back but nobody seemed to get too upset about it (except maybe Sarah Palin and her family.) And, it was as vulgar as it gets.

As far as I know, for every vulgar word, there is a non-vulgar alternative that is available. Human body parts have actual grown-up words to describe them...we probably even have them in Latin (or maybe I'm thinking about plant species.) For every human "function" there is a real, mature word available to use (if you actually ever need to refer to it.) But coarse, vulgar speech is becoming more and more the norm and that is a great shame. Children used to say cuss words to make them feel more grown up. Today, I think adults use many of these words to make themselves feel like younger people. Adults trying to become teenagers again. It really is a sad situation. I used to have some folks that I was "friends" with on Facebook but I either de-friended them or blocked them from my news feed because I just got tired of reading all their potty mouth comments.

There was a time in my younger days when my language was pretty foul. It was a very bad habit. And yes, it is a habit. But, you can break a habit if you put your mind to it. Does an inappropriate word ever come out of my mouth on occasion? Of course it does. Maybe worse, I have said some ugly things about people and used hurtful words and made cutting remarks. Have you ever said "he's worthless" or "she's an idiot." To me, that's just as bad as dropping a bomb. You unfortunately know what I'm referring to when I say that.

Let's do 2 things...let's try to clean up our written and spoken language....show some common decency. And, I think we owe all the sailors out there an apology.