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| More than a pick-up line? |
Many years ago, during my life in the corporate world, we had a guy named Joe who worked in our Purchasing Department (that's what it was called way back in the olden days.) I actually went to high school with his son. I can remember passing him in the hallway one day and, as is often the case when you are doing a drive-by greeting, I said, "hey, good morning, how are you doing?" When we ask that question we usually expect a response like, "good, how about you?" It's not meant to be a real interrogatory; it's mostly just a casual salutation. But, on that morning, Joe took it as an actual question. For about 3 or 4 minutes he shared several things that were not going so well in his world at that time. I really had no choice but to stand there in the hallway and hear him out because, after all, I did ask him the question. I was caught off-guard and it was bit awkward. I wasn't expecting him to share with me how he was actually doing. But, the subsequent times I asked Joe that question, I was prepared to listen to this very nice guy, old enough to be my father, who apparently needed someone he knew and trusted to listen. Sometimes it was personal, sometimes it was job related, sometimes it was simply, "good, and you?"
A few years back, I taught a series of Sunday School lessons when I was leading a group of young parents. I called the series "Lies We Hear and Say At Church." The very first lesson topic was how we give the answer, "I'm doing fine" when asked at church (or most anywhere, really) how we are doing.
This should be no shock to anyone: it is sometimes untrue.
But here's the thing. When it is untrue, we often don't really know what to say instead.
Sometimes we fib because we just don't want to burden people with the truth. Sometimes we assume it is being asked more as a greeting than a real inquiry. Sometimes we truly don't know how to describe how we are doing. Sometimes it is just easier to say, "I'm doing OK, I'm hanging in there, I'm great, I can't complain, I'm doing the best I can." We've all said and heard some version of that answer almost every day.
There is another question that can be equally hard to answer... or at least answer honestly.
"How can I help?"
I was reading a blog on this very topic that posed a suggestion, "What if I had a list of responses ready ahead of time so I woudn't stutter and stammer and ultimately let the opportunity go to waste?" She then listed 15 example responses.
I'm not too sure I would be comfortable with having a laundry list at the ready. It would almost be like casually suggesting to someone, "hey we need to get together for lunch soon" and the person says, "that sounds great... how about right now?" Whoa whoa whoa! That was too quick. I wasn't ready for that answer.
There are several things I am not very good at doing. One is navigating the food spread at a reception, banquet, etc. where the food is self-serve with multiple tables, carving stations, etc. I always spend way too much time talking to people and miss out on getting much to eat. The buffet professionals, however, know exactly how to maximize the gastro experience. Some are adept at balancing multiple plates with one hand and loading them to the maximum. Others are the no-plate-needed buffet table grazers that feed for a while at one station and then move on to the next until they have gotten their fill of everything available. I don't think I even ate at our daughter's wedding reception. And I paid for all that food! I'm just no good at it.
The other thing I'm not good at is answering the question in any meaningful way when asked, "how can I (or we) help?" (especially these days) Sometimes people even suggest answers that I usually politely dismiss. Why do I do that?
Maybe I think I should be capable of keeping all the plates in my life spinning without letting any fall. Maybe it is pride. Maybe it is fear. I wish I knew.
"How are you doing?"
"How can I help?"
I need to be more like Joe.
