Things About My Carol: Part 9: "She Is Truly The Best Person I Have Ever Known"

GHHS 1973 yearbook

Back in 1973, they stated that Jean and Mike (not me, another Mike) were the most dependable. Nathaniel and Beulah were the wittiest. Amelia and Art were considered to be the most creative. They said that David and Stephanie had the best personalities. It was agreed that Yasmin and Mark were the most athletic. Victor and Debra were voted the most attractive. And, finally, everyone was sure that Deborah and Ronnie were going to be the most successful. Almost every high school has (or at least had) a (somewhat strange) tradition wherein graduating seniors vote to decide which of their fellow soon-to-be graduates are considered to be superlative in various categories important to 17 year olds. The names above are from my graduating class. I had no disagreement with our choices. These classmates of mine were well-deserving.

Carol (we graduated from different high schools) wasn't voted by her senior classmates as having had any superlative attributes that are yearbook worthy. Part of the reason was because she didn't stick around long enough to actually become a high school senior... she graduated early after her junior year. Given my recollection of what high school was like back in the 1900s, as well as Carol's somewhat in-the-background public persona, I doubt she would have been a winner of any parts of the popularity contest. And that would have suited her just fine.

We don't remain 17 or 22 forever. I've known more than a few folks that continued to live out the glory days of their high school or college years well past the time when those achievements should have been filed under fond memories. It's like the 40-something guy in the bar bragging for the umpteenth time about the winning touchdown pass he threw in the region championship game (he fails to recount how they lost in the state title game.) Most of us don't rest on our teenage laurels. 

So, how do you measure success in life? How do you really know if you have done it right and made a difference? Some of the things we do as a consequence of our careers or other endeavors come with accolades, recognition, awards, and rewards. But, for most of us, we just live our lives as best we can not seeking or expecting trophies.

So here's my superlative declaration:

Carol Williams Toomey is the best person I have ever known.

"What is your criteria for saying that other than the fact that you feel you need to because she is your wife?" you may ask. I actually don't feel obligated to make that statement because she is my wife.

I don't think you have to believe or say that the person you married is the most attractive person you've ever met. I don't believe that your spouse must be the smartest person or have the best personality. Your spouse doesn't necessarily have to be your best friend in the world (although she is mine.) I mean, let's be pragmatic for a second. There are 340 million people in the United States alone. I know and have met people that are more physically beautiful, or intelligent, or creative, or successful, or funny, or talented, or several dozen other qualities that we often consider the most important. Make no mistake, my wife has all of the qualities I've just listed. But nobody would vote her as being "the most" on any of them.

But there are qualities that I have not listed that are far more important to me. The apostle Paul itemizes some of these important things in his letter to the Galatians- Chapter 5:22-23-  being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, a desire to do good, faithful, gentle, and not impulsive. He describes those as "fruits of the Spirit" (that would be the Holy Spirit.) I know Carol to have an abundance of all those qualities.

The Carol I have known for almost 43 years is a woman that loves profusely, is full of humility, is never attention seeking, is giving, caring, kind, compassionate, loyal, polite, friendly, gifted, fun-loving, clever, spicy, smart, hard-working, tender, beautiful, devoted...     

and has shown great patience with me.

When I met Carol I was a pretty broken person on the inside trying to maintain a facade that suggested otherwise. Once married, I don't think it took too long for Carol to figure out that I was going to be a work-in-process. She probably didn't intend to sign up for that but, she took on that unspoken assignment with patience and love.**

But this is the most important part. Carol was my first best glimpse of Jesus. Oh, I had grown up as a child going to church and even attended parochial school early on. But I was as lost out in left field as a person could be and had remained so well into adulthood. I honestly didn't know any better. Until I witnessed and experienced better.

And her example pointed me to the One that changed my life.

Carol is the best person I have ever known. For a hundred reasons. 

Most importantly, she reminds me of Jesus. 

** For the last 9 years, her dementia diagnosis has given me the unexpected opportunity to give back to her in many of the ways that she has given to me in the first 33 years of our marriage. So I don't consider caring for her over these last few years a burden at all. I consider it a great privilege.

I like to think that, in being an amazing role model, she taught me well.

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It Changed My Life

You will sometimes hear people talk about something being "life changing." I've heard folks describe everything from their air fryer to an incredible travel experience to the birth of a child in that way. (Some of you might be a bit overly obsessed with your kitchen appliance.)

Seriously describing something as life changing typically suggests something significant. And it's not always something positive. The death of a spouse, child, or other close person in your life can certainly have that effect too. So when I say that something "changed my life" I am not using the more flippant version of that term.

February 9th- 41 years ago Carol and I were married. Nothing fancy about the ceremony. We did get dressed up a bit. But, short of getting married in front of a justice of the peace, it was as simple as a wedding could be... we were married by her former youth minister in my future in-laws' living room with barely enough people there to field a baseball team. But, the unadorned nature of the occasion did not, in any way, diminish the seriousness and holiness of the moment.

Almost six years earlier, in my fancy, rented tuxedo, I had recited vows to a different woman in front of an adorned church full of people. That marriage should have "changed my life." But it didn't. And it didn't change hers either. Maybe that is why, four years later, that marriage failed. And I felt like a failure. And a promise breaker, regardless of the fact that I didn't want the divorce. But, there is truth in the words in Bonnie Raitt's 1990 recording:

 "I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't." 

I painfully learned that truth ten years before Michael Reid and James Shamblin ever wrote those lyrics.

But, a little over two years later, I met Carol with marriage being the furthest thing from my mind. I was enjoying (for the most part) living the life of a bachelor. But, while I was stubbornly having a very good time, looking back, it's obvious that I wasn't being a very good version of me.

But, marrying Carol just a short five months after our first date, changed my life. Maybe she saw potential in what was a pretty broken person. (Then again, maybe I had just totally faked her out.) Regardless, because of the person she is, she allowed me to see that there was a much better version of me possible. She was patient with my insecurities. She was the encouragement that I sorely needed. She was steadfast in her faith which was truly my first best glimpse of Jesus. (That's a life changing story for another day.) Her example; how she loved, how she cared, and how she treated others was inspiring to me. I saw in her the kind of person I hoped I could be one day. And I wanted to be the husband she deserved.

She changed my heart.

I'm not suggesting that Carol is perfect. But she was (and is) perfect for me. I got a lot of things wrong in our early years (hmmmm and maybe a few of those middle ones too.) But we persevered. We hung in there through some difficult times and there was no shortage of them back then and even now. And during and through all of that, having Carol as my wife changed my life. And it was a life that needed changing. I think maybe all of us need some life changing; otherwise, how do we ever grow? Having our two beautiful children was another life changing experience; but, that too is a blog for another day.

This one's about Carol.

So here we are... 41 years later. Neither of us the same people we were in 1983. We became better versions of ourselves, I think.

I'm pretty confident marriage is supposed to be life changing. I'm grateful that it was and is for me.

Happy anniversary sweetie. I love you forever.

Us... over the years

"I Can't Make You Love Me"

Writers: James Allen Shamblin, Michael Barry Reid
Publisher: AMPLIFIED ADMINISTRATION, Universal Music Publishing Group

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Happy 1.4610 x 10⁴

Years

Yeah… that’s right. I took some math classes back last century and learned all about scientific notation. You know what else happened last century? I got married… it was 1.4610 x 10⁴ days ago.

A question to my married friends. When you were standing before the [minister, priest, rabbi, imam, judge, friend who got “ordained” online, city recorder, magistrate, sea captain (jk, sea captains can’t legally perform weddings in the US)] and were standing at/in [the altar, judge’s chambers, wedding chapel, cool outdoor wedding venue, in-law’s living room (as in my case,)] saying your vows to one another, were you thinking about 40 years down the road?

No need to answer. I’m pretty sure, if you answer honestly, the answer is No.

At that important moment, even (in some traditions,) when we make reference to this vow being applicable for a very long time (as in “’til death do us part,”) we are probably not really thinking that far into the future nor what that might look like. I mean, why would you?

I was probably thinking no more than the next 40 hours.

I wonder what might happen if, prior to our wedding, we were able to see a video of what our married life would look like 10, 20, 30, 40 years after "I do." Would it give us any pause?

Shortly after our engagement

I’ve shared this story before… I met, asked her out on our first date (August 26, 1982,) fell in love (shortly thereafter,) got engaged (December 6, 1982,) and married Carol all inside of 175 days. Certainly not the shortest “love at first sight” story but, probably shorter than yours. We were married in her parents’ living room with only 10 other people present to include her (and now our) dear friend Marshall, her former youth minister who performed the ceremony (great job Marshall!) When Marshall asked me if I would take this woman to be my wife, I was thinking more of that present moment than the future when I said Yes!

Anyone that has been married a while knows that marriage is a lot like a day at an amusement park that is full of every type of amusement ride ever constructed. Some of the rides are nice, easy, almost romantic ones like the Ferris wheel or the swan boat ride. Beautiful views, just the right pace, nothing really to fear, and you can even sneak in a smooch or two during the ride. Other rides are exhilarating; that nearly take your breath away and get your heart pounding higher than most cardiologists would recommend. Then there are the wilder roller coasters that turn and flip you every which way that introduce varying levels of fear while you hold on for dear life and, honestly, not really think about how your spouse is faring through the ordeal. Then there are certain rides that just hurt. They yank, pull, and jar you in ways that you didn’t anticipate when you read the warning that said “This ride is not recommended for pregnant women or anyone with back or neck problems.” The difference between marriage and a day at the amusement park is that, at the park, you get to avoid the ones you don’t want to ride. In marriage, the rides just come at you and you have no choice in whether you want to get on or not.

February 9th marks our 40th wedding anniversary. 1983 was a long time ago. I mean, Ronald Reagan was the US president. I think Abraham Lincoln immediately preceded him (I probably took more math classes than US history classes.)

On February 9, 1983, I had no clue what the next 40 years would hold. But I believed then, with all my heart, that I wanted all my tomorrows to be lived side-by-side with this cute brunette who was standing by my side at that moment.

And guess what? That’s exactly what has happened. And yes… we’ve experienced all the rides.

Loving, living, and staying with someone for 40 years is both the easiest and most challenging thing I have ever done. Carol likely gets credit for the “easiest” aspect. I and life itself probably account for the “challenging” part.

Do I wish I had done some things differently over those 40 years? Of course, I do.

Do I wish that there were elements of our life today that could be different than they are? Sure.

Some of you know what our current circumstance is. If I knew then what I know now, would I still have said Yes 40 years ago?

Absolutely. Unequivocally. Without a doubt. No need to even pause to think about it. 

But this is important. You should know that when I stood there on that Wednesday night 40 years ago (who gets married on a Wednesday btw?) I believed that I was pulling off the greatest heist in history… I had somehow managed to convince this incredibly sweet, beautiful, remarkable woman, that was so, so far out of my league, to marry… me. I still feel that way. She’s still way out of my league. And I still can’t help but feel like I got away with something.

I used to be thankful for every year that we had been given together. Nowadays I am thankful for each day we wake up together.

I love you, Carol Toomey. Happy 40 years together.

Today, I’m giving thanks to God for Day 14,610 as husband and wife.

I’ll think about Day 14,611 tomorrow.

40 years together

35... and counting

My sweetie

I Googled the number 35 to see what results I would get. Did you know that there is a Wikipedia page devoted to the number 35? I didn't either. The obvious question is... why?

35 years ago, I married the person formerly known as Carol Williams on February 9th, making the year 1983 a pretty big deal for me. 1983 wasn't just a big deal for me though. 1983 marked the beginning of the internet. It also was the year that the first cell phone call was made... according to Wikipedia.

If you think of the incredible impact that the internet and cellular technology has had on the world, it is, especially for those of us that knew a world without them, unbelievably significant. Try to think of a world without the internet and cell phones. You probably can't (or even want to) do that.

As much as you can't imagine a world without the internet and cell phones, it pales in comparison to how much I can't imagine a life without Carol as my wife and partner. Life is pretty cool with internet and mobile phones. Life for me is wonderful, meaningful, bountiful, and hopeful because, 35 years ago, a woman I never thought would be attracted to someone like me.... said yes.

Oh, we have had our share of days... even weeks and short seasons... of difficulty. But, if we were paying attention to the vows we spoke to each other and to God all those 35 years ago, we acknowledged that we would have times when life would be hard and we would struggle. But, through those past struggles and the certain struggles to come, we have and will continue to fiercely love each other and give thanks to God for every day He gives us.

I love you Carol Toomey. Thank you for marrying me. Happy Anniversary (a couple of days early.)

Her name is Carol

30 years. Three decades. 10,958 days. No matter, how you calculate it...it's  a long time. On February 9th, I will have been married for 30 years.

The first time I met Carol, a mutual friend introduced us...we gave each other the once over, smiled...said hi and we both went about our way not even thinking twice about the other. The second time we met... probably a year later...well, that is a different story. Within a month of that second encounter I was pretty sure this was the woman that I wanted to marry. I was in LOVE. 5 months later, we were, in fact, married.

For those of you who know my wife, when you read this, I expect that you will be nodding in agreement.

Carol is the kindest person I know. She cares deeply about others. She talks to anybody...she talks to everybody. It doesn't matter to her if you are the president of the bank or the lady that cleaned our hotel room...she will strike up a conversation with you and genuinely be interested in what you have to say. She is polite, respectful and is never trying to draw any attention to herself. She always wants to help without looking for anything in return. She loves her family. She is a great friend. She is a hard worker. She loves to laugh.

I can't speak for Jessica or Michael....our kids (now adults.) But, I think she was and is one of the best Moms a child could have. To this day, when one of our kids comes home, their later departure is still accompanied by a very prolonged hug and... she cries. She loves our kids (and son-in-law) furiously. And she loves our kid's friends. The walls of our home are covered in photographs, taken over the years that includes pictures of our kid's friends from church, school and college. In Carol's mind she adopted all of them into our family. She has made the houses we've lived in a home...a refuge...a place that smells like a Yankee Candle store, feels as comfortable as your favorite blue jeans, and is as welcoming as you could imagine.

But you see, 30 years ago, I didn't know all these things. What I saw was a hot little brunette that seemed to like me, laughed at my stupid jokes (still does), and was so easy to talk to. Our first phone conversation wherein I asked her out for our first date lasted about 2 hours (not because I was slow to ask..I got the "will you go out with me?" question handled in the first 3 minutes.)

Our 30 year marriage has certainly had its ups and downs. There were some periods where I'm sure she wondered if this marriage would make it...wondered if she could stand to stay married to me. I have not always been the easiest person to be married to. But she has hung in there with me and I still wonder how a guy like me could have ever gotten a gal like her.

Oh...one more thing. I see Jesus in Carol. I am married to a Godly woman...a woman who has a strong faith...a woman who prays...and prays. A woman who spends a lot of time in God's Word. A woman after God's heart. When we spoke our vows in her parent's living room on a Wednesday night in front of her former youth pastor and a handful of family and friends, she made a promise to me. But she also made a promise to God. And she has kept that promise for the last 30 years. I don't expect that to change over the next 30.

Her name is Carol and I fell in love with her 30 plus years ago, love her to this day and will love her as long as I have breath. Happy Anniversary sweetie.

Marriage

The Republican primary season is in full swing and the various candidates are employing their strategies to win the nomination of their party. Some seem to be focused on courting the more conservative party voters while others seem to be trying to attract the more moderate voters and independents.

Rick Santorum has clearly been one of the more outspoken candidates when it comes to social issues. He is currently in New Hampshire and, at a meeting on Friday, he addressed issues with college students in Durham, NH. One of the topics was same-sex marriage. His position that marriage should only be between a man and a woman was met with heckling and disdain. Many of these college students disagreed with him and Rick Santorum is clearly not a favorite among gays.

So, what is the correct answer? Today, some states (including New Hampshire) allow same sex couples to marry. (By the way, New Hampshire's state motto is "Live Free or Die") Other states allow something called civil unions...not exactly the same thing as marriage, but close. In most states, any type of legal union between same sex partners is not allowed. Certainly people that are married are provided certain rights and benefits that non-married people are not afforded. Some believe that by not allowing same-sex partners to enter into this legal status, they are being discriminated against relative to these benefits. My understanding is that states that allow for civil unions effectively provide many of these benefits through this alternative arrangement while falling short of calling it marriage.

Marriage has traditionally been both a religious status and a legal status. The majority of marriage ceremonies are held in houses of worship officiated by the "clergy" of that particular religion. But people can also be legally married by various public officials like judges, justices of the peace (and even ship captains!) To be legally married in the US, one is not required to participate in any religious ceremony, only one that is legal.

So, can marriage be simply a legal status? Right or wrong, in the US, the obvious answer is yes. So, marriage has been defined, by precedence and practice, as a legal status granted by governing authorities. As long as that is the case, laws will ultimately have to be based upon considerations that do not necessarily involve any religious influence. That does not suggest that moral considerations are not considered but, many, if not most, "moral" norms are traced back to some religious teaching so, we keep coming back to the influence of religious teachings.

So, we have a societal dilemma. Homosexual people are going to have relationships with their partners regardless of any laws that are passed. And these partners are going to live together because there will be no laws passed forbidding this, and, even if there were, laws like that could never realistically be enforced. There are other marriage related laws...laws forbidding polygamy, laws preventing certain family members from marrying, laws with regards to age of consent and probably several others.

I think one of the major issues has to do with the very meaning of the word "marriage." That word has traditionally denoted the strongest identification of the joining of a man and woman in relationship. Nobody has ever asked me how long Carol and I have been "unioned." I think that many gay couples' primary desire is to secure all of the legal benefits and acknowledgement that a legal "joining" affords. But I also believe that most gay couples desire their relationship to be acknowledged by society as equally legitimate and acceptable as that of any heterosexual marriage relationship. Many heterosexuals have a problem with that because most people in the US see it as a moral/ religious issue. But, our government doesn't look at marriage as a strictly religious status, it is a civil, legal status. People of faith generally view marriage as something much more significant than a legal contract...it is something ordained by God. Unfortunately, the divorce rate of these marriages mirrors that of secular marriages. (Maybe a bigger problem is man/woman marriage...but that is a subject for a different blog.)

So, when it comes to this marriage issue, what is the right and best thing to do? Hmmm, is that one question or two? You tell me.

In the meantime, can we agree that we will treat all people with respect regardless of which "H" word they identify with? At the end of the day, we are all just people, loved equally by our Maker.