Things About My Carol: Part 9: "She Is Truly The Best Person I Have Ever Known"

GHHS 1973 yearbook

Back in 1973, they stated that Jean and Mike (not me, another Mike) were the most dependable. Nathaniel and Beulah were the wittiest. Amelia and Art were considered to be the most creative. They said that David and Stephanie had the best personalities. It was agreed that Yasmin and Mark were the most athletic. Victor and Debra were voted the most attractive. And, finally, everyone was sure that Deborah and Ronnie were going to be the most successful. Almost every high school has (or at least had) a (somewhat strange) tradition wherein graduating seniors vote to decide which of their fellow soon-to-be graduates are considered to be superlative in various categories important to 17 year olds. The names above are from my graduating class. I had no disagreement with our choices. These classmates of mine were well-deserving.

Carol (we graduated from different high schools) wasn't voted by her senior classmates as having had any superlative attributes that are yearbook worthy. Part of the reason was because she didn't stick around long enough to actually become a high school senior... she graduated early after her junior year. Given my recollection of what high school was like back in the 1900s, as well as Carol's somewhat in-the-background public persona, I doubt she would have been a winner of any parts of the popularity contest. And that would have suited her just fine.

We don't remain 17 or 22 forever. I've known more than a few folks that continued to live out the glory days of their high school or college years well past the time when those achievements should have been filed under fond memories. It's like the 40-something guy in the bar bragging for the umpteenth time about the winning touchdown pass he threw in the region championship game (he fails to recount how they lost in the state title game.) Most of us don't rest on our teenage laurels. 

So, how do you measure success in life? How do you really know if you have done it right and made a difference? Some of the things we do as a consequence of our careers or other endeavors come with accolades, recognition, awards, and rewards. But, for most of us, we just live our lives as best we can not seeking or expecting trophies.

So here's my superlative declaration:

Carol Williams Toomey is the best person I have ever known.

"What is your criteria for saying that other than the fact that you feel you need to because she is your wife?" you may ask. I actually don't feel obligated to make that statement because she is my wife.

I don't think you have to believe or say that the person you married is the most attractive person you've ever met. I don't believe that your spouse must be the smartest person or have the best personality. Your spouse doesn't necessarily have to be your best friend in the world (although she is mine.) I mean, let's be pragmatic for a second. There are 340 million people in the United States alone. I know and have met people that are more physically beautiful, or intelligent, or creative, or successful, or funny, or talented, or several dozen other qualities that we often consider the most important. Make no mistake, my wife has all of the qualities I've just listed. But nobody would vote her as being "the most" on any of them.

But there are qualities that I have not listed that are far more important to me. The apostle Paul itemizes some of these important things in his letter to the Galatians- Chapter 5:22-23-  being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, a desire to do good, faithful, gentle, and not impulsive. He describes those as "fruits of the Spirit" (that would be the Holy Spirit.) I know Carol to have an abundance of all those qualities.

The Carol I have known for almost 43 years is a woman that loves profusely, is full of humility, is never attention seeking, is giving, caring, kind, compassionate, loyal, polite, friendly, gifted, fun-loving, clever, spicy, smart, hard-working, tender, beautiful, devoted...     

and has shown great patience with me.

When I met Carol I was a pretty broken person on the inside trying to maintain a facade that suggested otherwise. Once married, I don't think it took too long for Carol to figure out that I was going to be a work-in-process. She probably didn't intend to sign up for that but, she took on that unspoken assignment with patience and love.**

But this is the most important part. Carol was my first best glimpse of Jesus. Oh, I had grown up as a child going to church and even attended parochial school early on. But I was as lost out in left field as a person could be and had remained so well into adulthood. I honestly didn't know any better. Until I witnessed and experienced better.

And her example pointed me to the One that changed my life.

Carol is the best person I have ever known. For a hundred reasons. 

Most importantly, she reminds me of Jesus. 

** For the last 9 years, her dementia diagnosis has given me the unexpected opportunity to give back to her in many of the ways that she has given to me in the first 33 years of our marriage. So I don't consider caring for her over these last few years a burden at all. I consider it a great privilege.

I like to think that, in being an amazing role model, she taught me well.

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No Wonder They Don't Bloom

Hydrangea in full bloom

My grandmother was a gardener. Her New Hampshire back yard from late springtime until early autumn was an explosion of color and an experience in sensory overload. Some of my favorite plants were her hydrangeas. Her garden had different varieties, different sizes, and different colors. Those nearly basketball sized blue ones were probably my favorite. My interest was limited to looking and smelling...not weeding, watering, feeding or pruning. I left that to my green-thumbed grandmother.

When Carol and I moved into our current house about seven years ago there were hardly any flowering plants in our yard. Little by little she planted more and more plants including a hydrangea, which, I think, was actually a gift from a friend. It grew larger that first year but never bloomed. We figured it was just too young to bloom. "Next year it will bloom," we said.

This went on for a few years. It became obvious that we just had the bad luck of planting a defective hydrangea plant.... the non-blooming variety apparently. It was still pretty with its bright green branches and leaves, growing fuller every year... just no blue or pink or white blooms like all other non-defective hydrangeas seem to have.

I finally decided to do some research last year on why our hydrangea never bloomed. After doing some very basic study on the topic, I felt a bit foolish after discovering that we did not, in fact, own a defective hydrangea. Our hydrangea had defective owners.

Turns out that different varieties of hydrangeas set their blooms for the next (or upcoming) season differently. Without trying to sound smarter than I am on the subject, let me condense it to this- there are two basic types of hydrangea- those that bloom from "old wood" and those that bloom from "new wood." "Old wood" are the stems and branches grown the prior season. "New wood" is what you see growing in springtime all nice and green. "Old wood" in the dormant season just looks like dead sticks.

If your variety of hydrangea blooms from "old wood" you can't just prune the ugly  "dead looking" branches down to the ground at the end of the summer....that is, not if you want blooms the next year.

So, last fall I asked Carol to not cut back the hydrangeas like she had always done (just like we do with our lantana) to see if my newly found information applied to our bloom-less hydrangea.

Well, guess what?

Our previously "defective" hydrangea

This year we have blooms. LOTS of blooms.

Hydrangeas that bloom on "old wood" set their flower buds for the next year the previous summer. This includes the Mophead, Lacecap and Oakleaf varieties. Paniculates, Endless Summer Series and "Anabelle" varieties bloom from "new wood," meaning; they set their flower buds on the current season's growth.

All this hydrangea knowledge got me to thinking about how we as individuals "bloom." I think, like we saw with our hydrangea, we can sometimes get impatient and discouraged when we don't see results when we think they should come. Maybe it is someone that has struggled or worked hard or prayed and they feel like they should start to see some blooms. And when they don't they just hack everything back down to the ground believing that they are just not going to bloom.  But I think that life can be like those hydrangeas. We may go through a season of life where we believe we are doing everything we are supposed to do to "bloom." And when it doesn't happen that season we hack away... we quit a job, we end a relationship or stop trying, we give up on our teenager, we switch churches or even give up on church altogether.

Or we give up on God. "Why haven't I bloomed by now?" we cry. Maybe we just have to give it some time...let the flower buds get set... and wait for the next season. Not all hydrangeas are the same.

The blooms will come.

Driving. Me. Crazy.

I am not a patient driver. There, I said it. The first step, they say, to overcoming a bad habit is to admit your problem. I have to confess that bad drivers drive me crazy. I'm not totally sure why.

There is a part of me that gets so frustrated by the danger they are to everyone on the road. You know the kind of drivers I'm talking about. I've seen people driving while doing all sorts of things. Texting? Oh sure that's a problem but how about driving while putting on makeup, reading a newspaper, or changing clothes...? Seriously? I've seen all of these numerous times.

Green means go

Then there are the poky drivers. If you are the first car in line at a red light, you have a moral responsibility to all the other drivers behind you....its like you are the leader of the parade. When the light turns green, you must first check to see that all the cars coming from both sides are actually going to stop at their red light and then ....MOVE...get going.... at a safe speed that allows as many cars behind you to get through the light before it turns yellow. I have seen occasions where there are 10 or more cars backed up at a red light and only 3 cars get through the intersection.....THREE! I know, I know...I should just be patient and hey, if it takes 3 cycles of the traffic light for me to get through the intersection, what's the big deal? Its only time. But it drives me crazy. It is so discourteous to other drivers. You may think that I am a horn honker. I'm not... unless someone is so asleep at the wheel for so long that they need a little wake up call.

I also don't do well when traffic is just backed up and running slowly. I will take an alternate route that adds 10 miles to my trip just so I can keep moving.

I took a driver education course my junior year of high school. We had driver's ed at my school but the order in which you could take the course was determined alphabetically based on your last name. That meant I would have to wait until the end of that school year before we got to the TUVWXYZ people. So I paid for private lessons. My instructor was incredible! He taught me so many things that I remember to this day. If the speed limit is 55, go 55, not 50, not 52...55 (he didn't encourage speeding either.) When you get to a YIELD sign....yield....then GO. Some people must think that YIELD is French for GIVE UP. 

Sir Isaac Newton..no relation to Fig

He also instilled in me a recognition of what a privilege and huge responsibility it is to drive an automobile. To wield control of a 2 ton vehicle traveling at speeds of 60-70 mph is a serious thing. A 4000 lb car at 70 mph generates 654,686 ft/lbf of kinetic energy. 






That's a lot of mass at a lot of velocity. But some drivers drive as if they are in a balsa wood soap box derby car going 5 mph.


I'm not sure why I get so bothered by bad drivers. I guess part of it is that something that should safely take 15 minutes shouldn't take 25. Driving is also a matter of courtesy. Don't block the intersection, don't creep along in the left lane, don't speed, don't clip or paint your fingernails while driving, don't tailgate, don't fail to use your turn signals, don't cut people off, don't fail to let someone into the traffic flow if it is safe to do so, move over, get a room, put your child in a car seat, pull over for emergency vehicles, pull over and show some respect when the funeral procession comes by....I mean drive like you have some sense.


OK...I feel a bit better. Until tomorrow when I have to hit the streets again. Lord, give me patience. They're driving me crazy.