Don't make promises you don't intend to keep

In a previous blog I wrote about parents that I label as "screamers"...they threaten their children but don't seem to ever actually do anything resembling consistent discipline.

I have hesitated to write about personal family stories but thought I might share some that you might find humorous or helpful. I am confident my family will not mind.

When our son was in his middle school years his homework habits were not exactly optimal. Much like his father was at that age, I'm sure. In his bedroom we had set up a wall unit that included a desk area. Because of his ability to get distracted when he was doing his homework, my wife told him that he needed to keep his bedroom door open if he was going to do homework in his bedroom...so we could keep an eye on his study efforts as we walked to and fro through the house.

One one occasion, I had come home late from work and was eating in the kitchen, where I could clearly see down the hallway that included his bedroom and the laundry room. Carol was going back and forth from the various "hamper areas" back to the laundry room as she did the laundry. On one of those trips she noticed that Michael had gently eased the door closed. I'm sure it was because he was trying to avoid the noise of the washer or dryer....yeah right. When Carol opened his door, she discovered that he was playing with his Gameboy (remember..this was a few years ago) or some other device...but clearly not doing his homework. She reminded him about the rule about studying in the bedroom and keeping the door open. In her frustration I clearly heard her say "if you close this door one more time when you are supposed to be doing your homework, I am going to have your father remove the door." I doubt that Carol even knew that I heard this but I filed it away in my mind wondering when the next "door closing" was going to occur.

Several days later...maybe even a couple of weeks, I was again late coming home from work and was eating my leftover supper in the same exact spot where I heard Carol's "promise" about the door.

"Michael, didn't I tell you to keep this door open when you are doing your homework?" was the next thing I heard. She continued down the hall and that was the end of the matter.

I wiped my mouth with my napkin, got up from the table and proceeded into the laundry room where I used to keep a few of my hand tools. I grabbed a large screwdriver and a hammer and headed to Michael's room where I began tapping out the hinge pins from his door. Carol came back around the corner and said "what are you doing?" Turning my back so that Michael couldn't really hear me I said "didn't you tell Michael that if he closed his bedroom door one more time when he was supposed to be doing homework that you would have me remove the door? ...well, I'm removing the door."

You know the way that people will sorta whisper with that funny expression out the side of their mouth? Well, Carol did that while quietly saying "I wasn't really serious!"

Well, I took it seriously because I think if you tell your child that something will happen if they do something (good or bad) you should follow through on it. This is also a good reason not to exaggerate things like that in either direction. Now, if she had said that his punishment would be that we would lock him up in the trunk of the car all night...that's a ridiculous and inappropriate thing (don't say those kinds of things either.)

So, I went on with my door removal activity. Michael's mouth was wide open the entire time but I don't remember him ever saying anything. He heard what his mother told him about the door (and remembered it) and he now saw me doing what she said I was going to to. And Carol was in agreement that the door needed to come off because that's what she said would happen even if she didn't intend her statement to him to be taken literally.

Michael's door remained off the hinges (and out of his room) for a couple of weeks...maybe longer. It wasn't long before word got out to his friends about his door and a few would ask him "Michael, got your door back yet?"

Promises are important things. We all make them and break them. But we shouldn't break them. And we shouldn't make promises that we don't really intend to keep. That story probably has had more impact on me over all these years than it did Carol or Michael. It is a reminder to me to try my best to keep my promises. I don't want to just be a promise maker.