Sunday, March 23, 2025

Things About My Carol: Part 8: "She Had Always Hoped To Raise Weird Kids"



The things Carol was most looking forward to were growing our own crops, making our own hemp clothing, living in a commune-like environment, becoming uber-fundamentalist, and having kids with such impaired social skills that people would think that we were raising a couple of dullards.

So, we obviously chose to homeschool.

Jessica could do 19th-century primary school work while wearing the prairie dress she had made in seamstress class. Michael could study animal husbandry while taking care of our two pigs, Copernicus and Amelia (he named her after Amelia Earhart with the confident hope that, one day, pigs could fly.)

OK, so nearly none of the above is true. But you wouldn't necessarily know that based on people's assumptions about homeschool families 30 years ago when we embarked on, what would turn out to be, a 9-year odyssey. It was as late as 1992 before homeschooling was even legal in all 50 states. Imagine that. In America. Up until the mid-1800s, most children were taught or tutored at home. We began in 1995... Jessica's 4th grade year and Michael's 1st grade year.

Our migration to homeschooling was almost entirely for pedagogical reasons. Our school system was making a radical curriculum change in the next school year to include, among other changes, a "whole language," top-down method to teach reading (as opposed to the familiar bottom-up, phonics foundation method) with little real assurance that it was a successful method to teach language arts. We felt it was sorta important for our kids to be able to capably read, comprehend, spell, write, etc. and weren't looking to experiment. The more we learned about it, the more we were not interested in this new, "innovative" method focused on immersive, individual discovery, language as a social activity, and diverse literary events that used some of the techniques found in English-as-a-second-language (ESL) and English-as-a-foreign-language (EFL) classrooms. To us, it also smacked of a teaching philosophy that was somewhat ideology driven rather than results driven. At least, that's how we saw it.

The more questions we asked during the multiple town hall curriculum meetings, the more our questions were evaded and the more we were gaslighted and lied to.

By the way, the reading wars persist and whole language has fallen out of favor in many systems while the education experts continue to wrestle with the shameful problem of why so many kids continue to read below grade-level. Terms like "the science of reading," and "three-cueing" (which is now banned by law in as many as 19 states,) and "balanced approach to reading" are tossed around by teachers, university education professors, education standards authors, and curriculum providers. We were in the camp that believed that learning to read does not come naturally, particularly with the English language. Reading requires a structured and protracted process. 

So, the Toomeys decided we needed to make a change. Our options were to move to a different county, private school, or, as we later discovered, homeschool. After much research and consternation (and no small amount of prayer,) we chose to teach our kids ourselves. [Current Georgia Homeschool Requirements]

Carol didn't want to homeschool two kids at the kitchen table though. She wanted a dedicated schoolroom space. As I peered into our backyard at the building formerly known as my workshop, I realized that I had some remodeling work in front of me. Carol said if we were going to do this we needed to do it in a way she thought was both appropriate and in a way in which she could feel confident. (I'm not suggesting kids cannot be taught at the kitchen table but, that wasn't for us.) 

my remodeling supervisors

I gutted our 10' x 20' backyard building and installed new flooring, additional windows, new door, wiring, insulation, sheetrock, trim, paint, and acoustical tile ceiling with recessed lighting. We bought a window air conditioner, heaters, three desks and chairs, corkboards, real slate chalkboard (later covered with white markerboard,) copier, file cabinet, mini-fridge, bookshelves, educational posters and other media, computer, TV monitors/VHS players, headphones, etc., etc., etc.. When it was finished it sorta looked like a mini-version of a real classroom... but a homemade version.


40 days into the 95-96 school year (Michael's 1st grade)

We had chosen and invested (no small inve$tment) in a video-based curriculum that allowed both kids to individually watch and listen to actual classroom instruction following along with their textbooks. We utilized the provided quizzes and tests, teacher keys, and all the collateral material needed for instruction. In our early years, the lessons were on VHS tape but later changed over to DVD (big improvement...higher quality and easier searching.) Both kids had a bible class which sometimes they wanted us all to watch after I got home from work because the classes were excellent and were so well taught. 


You know what they say about '80s and '90's Christian parents... (see video) 



In the earlier years, Carol handled 99% of the instruction but, as Jessica got into more advanced math and science subjects, I stepped in to help as needed. After 7th grade, Michael asked to attend public school as he was not, after 7 years, as enthusiastic about homeschool and also wanted to play team sports. We had told both kids that they had a say in whether we continued homeschooling them. We had a one-year-commitment-at-a-time attitude. Jessica chose to continue all the way through to graduation.

Jessica 9th grade, Michael 6th

In high school, Jessica eventually got to analytic geometry (aka coordinate or Cartesian geometry.) She initially hit a wall as did I because I had never taken analytic geometry. I studied Euclidean plane geometry in 9th grade but this was different... sorta like a combination of algebra and geometry. I contacted a high school math and physics teacher friend (Masters in Mathematics) but he too had no real experience with it. While searching for a tutor, Jessica told me, "I'm going to back up to the beginning of the course and see if I can figure this out" (an advantage of home school.) To her credit, she did, in fact, figure it out as proven by her performance on the subsequent quizzes and tests.

Carol was in her element in that classroom and loved going through elementary school, middle school and high school all over again (maybe more so than her first time through.) Watching your own kids learn academically every day is not something most moms get to do. Carol was determined that we were going to provide our kids with a quality, well-rounded education to include out-of-classroom learning. (We even required them to learn to diagram sentences because, we figured if their parents had to endure it in school, they should too.) They frequented our public libraries and took weekly PE classes that were held at the local Y. Organized sports were through church and the Y, piano lessons for Jessica, and guitar lessons for Michael helped round out their education. Both were active in youth choir at church. Jessica was joint enrolled her senior year taking classes at Augusta University. That said, we knew that what we were doing was considered by some to be weirdly unorthodox. We heard some passive aggressive criticism in the beginning.

checking out new materials at the '99 Curriculum Expo

Homeschool provided significant flexibility for our family. Ten days of educational field trips were necessary each year since our curriculum intentionally included only 170 days of course work. We were also not constrained with taking family vacations when everyone else did. We were in control of our calendar. We could vacation to places like Disney and other major attractions during times when it wasn't super crowded with other school-age kids. Like Jessica's geometry experience, we also had the ability to speed up or slow down the course work as each might need. We could specifically tailor the learning to what was needed. And school lunches were home-cooked.

(One blog is woefully inadequate to even minimally summarize what 9 years of homeschooling was like. But this will have to suffice.)

Regarding the "lack of socialization" that is often a weak criticism of homeschooled kids, anyone that knows Jessica or Michael can likely testify that they did just fine in that regard given all the sports, arts, and church activities in which they were involved along with having so many friends. And most kids' healthy socialization comes from the loving, caring adults around them anyway.

You know what one of the toughest parts of homeschooling was for Carol?

It was the initial breaking of the news to her parents that we were pulling our kids out of public school. We did not know how they would react. You may remember from a previous blog that they were both career school teachers... mostly in public schools.

So, the day we went over to their house in the summer of 1995 to nervously tell them that we were going to go off the traditional rails and teach the kids ourselves, you know what they said?

"Thank God."

That was all Carol needed to hear and she marched on and never  wavered or looked back.

She had work to do... she needed to go produce some weirdos.

Jessica graduated homeschool with honors

P.S.  Jessica was accepted to all 3 colleges to which she applied (Berry College, Mercer University, and Georgia College & State University...the one she ultimately chose)

Michael, who graduated from Westside HS, followed in his sister's footsteps and also attended GCSU, the only school to which he applied.

(Colleges like homeschooled students)

Carol did a great job. No surprise there. (And both our kids are excellent readers... and are refreshingly weird.)



Our sad little school house- 21 years after graduation and 17 years after we moved... in disrepair from neglect and fallen tree damage

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Friday, March 14, 2025

Things About My Carol: Part 7: "She Is A Middle Child"


I think it was in the early 90s when Dr. Kevin Leman did a special event at our church one night to talk about "The Birth Order Book,"  which he authored in 1982. Leman is a Christian psychologist who embraced the idea of birth order having an effect on the personality, character, and development of children. This "birth order theory" originated back in the 1920s when it was proposed by Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychotherapist.

Alfred Adler

It is not suggested that there are genetic or physiological underpinnings to the birth order attributes; it is more driven by the way parents treat and perceive their children based on birth order. In many cases these personality attributes come about based on how the children see themselves in the family dynamic even if their perceptions might not be entirely accurate (after all, they are children.) But, first-born children are often parented differently than "middles," and the youngest (see video below.) Gender can certainly play into this as well... such as, the second child may be the first daughter. It was a fun night because he presented the material with plenty of humor and spouses were poking each other with each new revelation he presented that struck a chord.

Leman suggests that there are some well-defined differences between first-born and middle children (and only-children and youngest children.) He describes first-born kids as: "the guinea pigs of the family. Mom and Dad practiced on them. They're held to a higher standard than the rest of us. They're reliable, conscientious, list-makers. They don't like surprises. They are natural leaders." He goes on to say, "Of the first 23 astronauts to blast off into space, 21 were first-born children. The other two were only-children." Coincidence? I think not. You first-born children reading this are not at all surprised by that statistic.

According to Leman, last-born children are "the babies of the family... they're manipulative, social, outgoing, never met a stranger, good with people- least likely to become an astronaut someday. Also least likely ending up being the President of the United States." (About 52% of US Presidents were/ are "middles.")


Only-children are like first-born kids but on steroids. Take all the attributes of first-born and add "very" in front of it. Leman says, "Only-children are often sensitive and get their feelings easily hurt. They're little adults by age seven."

So, my Carol is a middle child. You may be familiar with a term, "middle child syndrome." It even has a Wikipedia page (then again, what doesn't?) Firstly, no two families are alike. But it can be true that in families of 3 or more children, the experience of first born, last born (the baby) and all the ones bookended by them can be different. First borns are the ones where new parents experience most of the exciting "firsts..." first steps, first toilet training, first talking and walking, first tooth, first lost tooth, first first day of school, first t-ball/ballet/soccer/piano recital (you get it.) By the time middle child/children do their versions of it, it has lost a bit of the luster... and all the while the oldest is still  doing "new firsts" that still get most of the attention. And the last borns (sometimes the "oops" children) are the newest attention grabbing babies of the family (and some can get spoiled.) Middles can get lost in the fray and can feel a bit out of place and overlooked... not so for the oldest or the baby. Most middles seem to handle it well and can thrive despite (or even because of) feeling "unequal." Some can struggle with it though even into adulthood. Parents don't usually mean to treat the birth order differently. But the reality is that they do. 

So, what do we think we know about middle children? 

Here are some of the supposed attributes of a middle child:

  • easygoing... they know how to compromise and are good negotiators and mediators
  • adaptable and flexible
  • can be secretive
  • peacemakers- they want everyone to get along. They can serve as the go-between.
  • more independent- maybe felt overlooked as children, often leaving home the soonest, self-reliant, may have a hard time asking for help
  • competitive- feeling like a #2 sometimes can cause middle kids to be very competitive
  • exceptionally strong friendships (sometimes as a fill-in for inattentive family)
  • people pleasing tendencies
  • loyal- faithful in their relationships which are often long-lasting. Skillful at forging connection
  • seek fairness in situations
  • tend to not be perfectionists
  • hardworking and self-motivated
  • successful
  • well-adjusted
  • resilient- typically can handle tough things that come along

While there are always exceptions when it comes to these types of descriptors, I think these describe Carol pretty closely (she's the middle of three girls.)

(L-R) Carol, Susan, Debbie

In fact, I think that Carol could even be described as a "prototypical middle child." Now, these kinds of attribute or personality comparisons aren't intended to imply that any birth order type is "better than" another. It just acknowledges that there can be observable differences.

I'm reluctant to add many more glowing things to what I've already written about middle children because it feels like it could be a bit self-promoting.

You see, Carol married a middle child... yep, I'm one too. (Btw, middle and middle is believed to be one of the less successful marriage combinations.)

Well, we must have figured out how to make it work.

After all... we're hard-working and resilient.

* Kevin Leman italicized quotes are taken from birthorderguy.com


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Thursday, March 6, 2025

Things About My Carol: Part 6: "She's Also Had Cinephilia For Years"


It was mild at the beginning. I learned of it as early as our very first date when I took her to see Rocky III. Over the years, especially after our daughter was born, it got progressively more pronounced.

I remember she had gone to our pediatrician's office for a check up for Jessica. When she came home she told me what the pediatrician had said to her. She was still a bit in shock when she told me. Her revelation started out with a simple question, "do you know what Dr. Allen told me?" I immediately thought she was going to tell me about the results of Jessica's check-up or that something was wrong.... "no, what did he say... what's wrong?" I anxiously asked.

Then she told me. "Dr. David told me that he and Kathy go to two movies on their date nights!"

"Wait, what?" I said. "Yes, he said that they figured it made sense, since they were already paying for a babysitter, that they should make best use of that time... so they go to two movies on the same night!"

"That's crazy!" I said. She agreed but she also said that it makes perfect sense. Both of them love movies and try to maximize the cinema experience when they go out.

Btw, the word cinephilia comes from "cinema" and "philia"- one of the 4 ancient Greek words for love.

I remember the first Friday night (our regular date night) we decided to try it. There were movies that began around 6:45- 7pm and the next showings were usually 9:00pm or just after.

The immediate dilemma was do we go ahead and buy both sets of tickets or do we watch movie #1, leave the theater, buy tickets for movie #2, and re-enter the theater?

We chose poorly. We bought both sets of tickets. Being rookies at this, we discovered that, after watching movie #1, we were too tired to stay and watch movie #2. No refunds allowed. We gave the tickets to another couple.

We quickly learned that, although we were open to seeing two movies, it wasn't always practical. Sometimes there weren't two movies we wanted to see. Sometimes we were satisfied with our cinema experience after one movie or just wanted to do something else after the movie. And then there is that truism, "a mind can only absorb what the butt can endure." That said, I think we ended up going to two movies over 50% of the time when we went to the movies on date nights. (This gives you some idea of the volume of movies that Hollywood was putting out in the 80s and 90s.)

When we told our friends what we were doing you know what the most frequent question was?

"So, after the first movie do you just sneak into the second movie without paying?"

It was then we realized that either we needed to find less sketchy friends...  or maybe our friends thought we were the sketchy ones. Hmmm.

Carol loved going to the movies and just watching movies in general (romcoms are her favorite.) Call her a cinephile, movie junkie, film buff, or whatever. Movie watching has been one of her most favorite forms of entertainment for the 42 years I've known her.


Back in the VHS days we regularly rented videos from all the outlets in Augusta that rented them... grocery stores, Blockbuster, Phar-Mor (remember that discount drug store chain?) Sadly, Phar-Mor turned out to be the sketchy ones. The CEO and CFO were defrauding investors, hiding and falsifying financial information, and both were convicted and sentenced to prison. We also purchased many VHS movies when the pricing became less prohibitive (VHS tapes were expensive in the early days.) After a few years, the higher quality DVD era began. All the VHS tapes we bought eventually were just given away in yard sales. Nobody owned VHS players anymore.

Slowly but surely, Carol began acquiring DVD movies. And I had joined this new upstart named Netflix for movie rentals.

DVD mailers

They allowed you to check out DVD movies and they were delivered to you in the mail. The number of movies you could have checked out at one time was based on the membership level you had joined.

Today, we must have between 500-600 movies on DVD. I actually tried to sell off our entire collection at a yard sale about 7 years ago but, I got no takers even at the very discounted box-load price. The DVD (and Blu-Ray) era was over, I guess.

this ain't even the half of it



When COVID hit, I was thankful that we had all those movies because, you know, not every movie is available on the streaming services. And, for many years after Carol's dementia diagnosis, movie watching was still her favorite thing to do. She'd watch a couple most every day. Sadly, the interest and her ability to remain focused has waned over the last 18 months or so as it has become harder and harder for her to even follow along with the movie's dialog. I'm not sure how much of it she can even understand anymore.




The other day I put in the DVD of "Pride and Prejudice" (the Keira Knightley version) to watch with her. It was always one of her favorite movies since its release 20 years ago but, the longer it played, the more it seemed to just agitate her. So I hit stop and ejected it. I used to earn pretty significant brownie points if together we watched the chemistry unfold between Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. (I never told her that I actually do like that movie.)

The cinephilia was great while it lasted.


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