Adventures at the drive-thru

Would you like fries with that?

Americans love convenience. Who could blame us though? We have the ability to do so many things without even needing to leave the comfort of our cars...we have drive-thru banking, dry cleaners, car wash, bill pay, beverage stores and, of course, fast food. Back in the good ol' days we even had drive-thru gas stations where, when you ran over the magic bell ringing hose, 5 guys wearing bow ties would come running out and fill up your car, check your oil and battery, fill up your tires and wash your windows. Now only the rare service station like Smith's Chevron in Augusta does that (minus the bow ties.)

Most of those drive-thru transactions work fairly well. My experiences with some of them, however, have been less than satisfactory. Have you ever had a problem at the drive-thru of a fast food restaurant? I know that we have already lowered our expectations in the first place because, after all, it is fast food....not exactly gourmet. But I actually like fast food. I think the cheeseburger is nearly the perfect food. It contains ingredients from all the major food groups...grain, meat protein, dairy, vegetables, fruits (I think tomatoes and pickles are technically fruits) so it must be good for you. But I digress.

The fast food industry has taken great strides to make the drive-thru experience an impressive one. Now they have flat screen panels where you can have menu items suggested and see your order status. The menu boards are the size of a Times Square billboard. We have multiple lane choices resembling a New Jersey turnpike toll booth area. They cover the ordering area with a roof or awnings so we don't get wet in the rain when we lower our window. All that effort and expense so we can order a cheeseburger from our car. I wonder if they pay enough attention to the employee they hire to be on the other end of the speaker? And how come they can spend all that money for all the latest technology but still end up with sound that resembles the 1950's era drive-in movie speaker that you used to hang from your window? I don't get it.

I had the opportunity to go through the drive-thru the other day. As I pulled into lane 7, ordering station 2, I heard something resembling a human voice but wasn't sure what was said. I assumed it was "may I take your order." So, I placed my order and received 20 seconds of silence. Next thing I heard was "thank __ __waiting, __ take __ order?" Huh? I am pretty sure it was in English (still the national language) but I could be wrong. So, I repeated my order. Then I heard either "that will be $5.20 at the first window" or "the cat will eat plenty at Donner's widow" Huh? ...not sure which it was because it was said at warp speed with no hint of enunciation. So, after waiting my turn coming out of the multi-lane drive thru intersection, I proceed up to Donner's widow and the window slides open. She asks me "Filet of Fish sandwich and a High C? "No," I say, "a cheeseburger value meal with a Diet Coke." I give her my $5.20 and pull up to the "Get-Your-Food-Station-2b" where I see an arm already sticking out the window with what looks like a Diet Coke. But, alas, upon closer inspection, I can see from the day-glow red color revealed through the side of the cup that it must be High C Fruit Punch. Then she tries to hand me a Filet of Fish. Evidently this restaurant thinks that I haven't had enough fish in my diet and insists that I eat some that day (that assumes the Filet-O-Fish is actually fish anyway.) I finally get my correct order of cheeseburger and french fry goodness. In the bag I also find 11 packets of ketchup (or is it catsup?), a napkin the size of a dryer sheet and a straw that is long enough to allow me to drink my Diet Coke from the cupholder on the floor of my truck without even having to lean forward.

Roger, you are cleared for food retrieval on three-niner

Have you ever paid for your order and they tell you that whatever you ordered isn't quite ready and they ask you to pull forward to the non-existent food delivery holding zone? If you pull up too far, cars can't get past you to make the turn and if you pull up too little the car behind can't quite get to the window. You are now in fast food purgatory where you have become priority #53.  One time I told the gal at the window that I was fine with just waiting at the window for my order. That prompted the manager to tell me in his best "you must pull avay from ze vindow" voice to pull forward to wait the 7 minutes it will take to cook my spicy white meat chicken. I'm surprised they don't tell me to just keep circling the restaurant like some Boeing 747 in a circular holding pattern around Atlanta Hartsfield. They could just throw it in my window on pass #7.

Adventures at the drive-thru. Maybe next time I'll just eat a peanut butter sandwich at home.