Mind Your Own Business

Mind your own...

How many times have we heard this admonition to keep our nose out of someone else’s affairs? Plenty. Some might think it too harsh or rude to say but, I think it is pretty darn good advice. As a general rule, I am of the opinion that what people think or what they do in their own personal life is none of my business. Our founding documents state that we are each endowed with unalienable rights… life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Basically… you live your life and I’ll live mine.

Have you heard the phrase, “that’s a matter of opinion?” Of course, you have. When we say this, we are usually referring to a subject, topic, or idea that does not have widespread or settled agreement. Gravity. The earth rotating and revolving around the sun. The square root of 64. These are not “matters of opinion.” These are considered facts. Truths.

Believe or not, people have differing opinions on many things, topics, and issues. Politics. Eating liver. Economic systems. Religion. Human behavior. Morality. Football. Some of these are relatively innocuous differences of opinion. Some of these topics, however, are considered serious enough to be written into our laws. Over the years, some of these laws have been changed or been eliminated. Opinions do change. Some see that as good… others see that as not.

One of the beauties of how our country is supposed to work is that we have the right to disagree. And we have the right to state those disagreements. We have the right to free speech… we have the right to protest (peacefully) and we have the right to not be forced to change our positions or opinions by coercion or force. We do have the ability to suggest, using persuasion and argument, how people should consider changing their opinion. We have the ability to try to vote in or out policy and law makers who do or do not share our personal view of various positions. We can disassociate and boycott to demonstrate our disagreement.

But, at the end of the day, another person’s opinion is none of our business. How another person wants to live their life is none of my business. But that works both ways. If it’s none of my business then don’t insist on making it my business. My opinion is my opinion. I can choose to agree with you or I can choose to disagree and simply tolerate your viewpoint or behavior. Hey, if you want to eat liver and onions, that’s fine. But don’t insist that I eat it or insist that I agree that it might taste good (it doesn’t btw.)

But it seems today that, when we differ, tolerance is no longer good enough. Tolerance, you see, is a “none of your business” mindset and behavior. Today, some insist on adherence to and agreement with certain topics, issues, theories, lifestyles, or behaviors. This is not a “mind your own business” mindset. This is opinion bullying. This is idea shaming. This is wrong.

Mind your own business is a two-edged sword. As it should be. Don’t agree with me? Good. Because what you think is none of my business.

Thoughts and Prayers

Someone is scheduled for surgery. A friend's family member has been in an automobile accident. One of your co-workers has lost a loved one. A forest fire destroys a small town. A hurricane levels a beachfront city. A madman shoots up a high school. A service member returns home from overseas in a flag draped coffin. 

"I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers," we say.

But what are we really saying? Is that expression meant to be an authentic pledge or simply a meaningless platitude? Does a fearful, anxious, or even grief-filled person really gain anything from this promise?

Lately, in the wake of recent mass shootings, the offer of "thoughts and prayers" has been met with anger, frustration, mockery, and outright rejection. "I don't want your thoughts and prayers!" has been shouted back by some. Because, these days, the offer of "thoughts and prayers" is considered by some as simply code word for inaction or entrenchment.

When tragedy occurs, it is in our nature to want to understand why. We don't like the unexplained. We don't function well with uncertainty. We seek motive and answers. (We actually prefer control.) Why do bad things happen? When the answers don't come, we begin to fill in the blanks ourselves. No matter whether it is tragedy caused by another human, unexplained tragedies, or natural disasters, we demand answers and action.

We inhabit a massive, intricate planet that is constantly in activity and motion. Wind and water, tides and precipitation, temperatures and pressure are in a perpetual dance that, at its best, provides for breathtaking beauty and the sustainment of life; and, at its worst, gives us tornadoes, cyclones, hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, floods, tsunamis, droughts, heat waves, ice ages.... destruction and death. Human knowledge has made incredible advances in our understanding and ability to predict... some things. But, we cannot make these cataclysmic events cease to occur. No more than we can stop the earth from rotating and revolving. So, we prepare as best we can. And when tragedy does strike, we can and should work to help those affected.

When a loved one dies... by war, by disease, by suicide, by accident, by murder, or for reasons we don't even know... it is heart-wrenching. Humans fiercely cling to life and, when death occurs... when it is premature or unexpected, we want to know and understand why. We want rules changed, or laws passed, or medical procedures allowed.... just do something! Finding ways to prevent tragedy is prudent. We can discuss and debate how to solve these things without demonizing one another. Two truths are inarguable... nature is fierce and powerful... and humans can and do unspeakable evils to one another. It has always been. 

I am not immune from the realities of life and the tragedies that can and do occur. But, as a Christian, I am not called to do nothing. When you face hardship and even death, I am called to walk with you through that time...to grieve and mourn with you. In times of trouble, you are to be in the forefront of my mind as I go about my day... setting aside my own priorities, if even for a few moments or hours, and to place what you are going through before my own immediate concerns. Keeping you in my thoughts. Assuring you that whatever you are going through... you have someone else that is trying to understand and be connected.

To say that I know exactly how prayer works would be grossly inaccurate. But, my faith tells me that I am to pray. The God of the universe... the Creator of all things tells me that His desire is for me (and all of us) to be in communion with Him through prayer. One of the things I am to do is ask... ask for my needs, ask for the outcomes I desire, and ask on behalf of someone else's needs. When I say that "I am keeping you in my prayers," I am interceding on your behalf with my Heavenly Father asking for His help to see you through your situation... as only He can do.

I can understand your pain as I have experienced my own. While we seek answers and solutions, please do not reject my offer to "keep you in my thoughts and prayers." That, and a warm embrace, when possible, is the highest gift I know to give you. I don't have the solutions to all the tragedies of life. But I know a Savior that does. And He has called me to walk with you and pray for you.

 

You Have to Experience It (and Him) In Person

There are many iconic, must-see, bucket list places in America.... Niagara Falls, Yosemite, the Tetons, Great Smokey Mountains National Park, the Statue of Liberty and a host of others. But, no list of must-see/must-experience locations in the US would be complete if it didn't include the Grand Canyon.

My first time "seeing" the Grand Canyon was when the captain of the airplane on which I was traveling told us to look out of the right side windows as we flew over northern Arizona. Even from the cruising altitude we were flying, the extraordinary crevice in the earth's crust was clearly visible. I had my face pressed to the plastic window as long as it remained in our view. A few years later, our family vacationed in Arizona for about 10 days. Our base of operations was a condo in Flagstaff but, we spent one night in one of the lodges at the South Rim. We vacationed in Arizona a second time about 10 years later... and went back to the Grand Canyon again.

I obviously had seen dozens and dozens of photographs and videos of the Grand Canyon prior to going there. I had studied about how the canyon was formed by the Colorado River over millions of years. I knew all of the facts and figures about the Grand Canyon. People who had experienced it always said that all the photos and videos just did not do it justice. When folks would talk about their time there, you could just tell that they were trying to describe it accurately but it was usually with a bit of frustration... they almost didn't have the vocabulary to tell about their experience.

In 1990, I volunteered to go on a foreign mission trip to Panama with several folks from our church. I just woke up one morning and had an overwhelming sense of urgency... I needed to go on that trip. I really didn't understand why I was feeling this prodding. Prior to that morning, I had never considered going on a mission trip. It was an amazing week... our team was there to construct a church building so that the small church there no longer had to worship under a ragged tent. For about a week, our team laid row upon row of concrete block, mixed mortar with only a shovel (upon my return, Carol appreciated the transformation of my biceps,) and, most importantly, we interacted with the members of that church and small community. It was just a little after Christmas... it was the dry season, so the children were out of school and were always near us. The sweet people of the Santa Librada community loved on and blessed us as we labored with block and mortar and fell in love with our new friends. On Sunday we attended a worship service in the back yard of one of the members. The entire service was in Spanish and, except for a word here and there, the words were unknown to me. But something amazing happened. I knew exactly what God was saying to me that morning... as if He was sitting right next to me speaking in English. It was truly an encounter with God I had never previously known. I couldn't explain it then and I can't really explain it nearly 28 years later. I experienced something that I can only try to tell you about.

It's like our trips to the Grand Canyon. I can tell you all the things we did, the aroma of the desert and canyon, all of the sounds around us, the indescribable beauty and color of the canyon which we saw from the South Rim, from hiking down the trail, and from a helicopter flying from over the East Rim, up the Colorado River, over the North Rim, and back. But I would be describing my experience (at least as best I could) ... describing it through my eyes.

Today, I watched and heard (online streaming) my pastor from back in Georgia preach a sermon about Testifying... giving a Testimony. I immediately thought about the two experiences I have just written about above. As a Christian, by that very definition, I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That relationship has been, and continues to be, life changing for me. I can and do tell others about what my relationship with Jesus looks like, how it came to be, and what it means to me. That's my story... my testimony. Just like telling you about what happened to me in Panama... and my two trips at, over, and in the Grand Canyon. If you've never been to the Grand Canyon, it is good to read up about it, look at the photos and videos, read the brochures, and, maybe most importantly, listen to the people that have been there and have personal experience with it. But, to truly know it, you have to experience it yourself... in person.

If you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus, I can and will enthusiastically tell you about Jesus and what He has done in my life. How could I not share that with you? I can share the gospel story with you and I can also tell you my story.

But, you have to experience Him yourself..."in Person" if you will. My experience will not be your experience. My story will be different than your story. But I encourage you to see and experience Him for yourself. Then you can share your story. Testimony.

Hate

Look, I know I'm an old guy. Born in the post WWII era 1950's when we were largely uninformed about all the goings on in the world and even in our own communities. We relied on the nightly local and national network news, the hometown newspaper, and the ever present grapevine/ gossip to be informed. As kids and even teenagers, our parents kept us largely estranged from the hot topics of the day... I guess they figured there would be plenty of time for that when we lost our youthful naivete and had to face the harsh realities of the world around us. As we became older we learned that the world around us was imperfect and it illustrated many of the teachings of our faith upbringing. There were some bad and evil things out there.

One thing I vividly remember, however. We were taught to use the word "hate" very carefully. Hate was an emotion that was acceptable to express when talking about broccoli, or mosquitoes, or getting up early on Saturday, or losing, or meanness, or injustice, or other inanimate things, or wrong concepts, or hurtful behaviors. As Red Sox fans, we "hated" the Yankees... but not any specific player... just the "team" because they were our nemesis (I actually loved Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris even though I "hated" the team they played for.) If we ever said we hated another person, we were quickly reprimanded and reminded that we can hate how some people behave but, we were not supposed to ever hate another person.

Every adult with children has likely heard them say, "I hate you" at some point. It was usually heard when the child was very angry, or frustrated that they did not get the answer or thing they wanted, or had just received some disciplinary action. That's how children sometimes react when they don't get their way. No parent wants to hear their child tell them that they are hated. But most realize that it is an immature, impulsive reaction of a child that will later be remedied and withdrawn with a little time.

We tried to raise our own kids to not ever feel or say that they hated somebody. Our faith teaches us that every person is created by God and we are to love them... never to hate them regardless of how "hateful" they may act. Our kids were young (2-1/2 and 5) at the start of the first Gulf War. We had told our 5-year old what we thought was appropriate information about the war for someone that age. During prayers at bedtime they would go down the Ancestry.com list of every single family member and say God bless so and so, and so and so, and, and, and. Friends, neighbors, and pets were included. They also prayed for the soldiers. One night, out of the blue, our daughter said "and God bless Saddam Hussein and I pray that he will stop hurting other people." I'll be honest.... I hadn't ever prayed for Saddam Hussein. After all, he was an evil person who had murdered, tortured and even gassed his own people to death. I was reminded by a 5 year old that I'm not supposed to hate another person. Ever. Even an enemy. (Jesus told us to LOVE our enemies.)

A lot of hate is being spoken and violently acted upon against other people these days. Unfortunately, it isn't really anything new. People have been hating and hurting other people since the beginning of our existence. People hating people of different religious views, ethnicities, lifestyles, gender, ideologies, political views, economic positions, and an endless list of ways we are different from each other or hold differing opinions.

I don't want to hate anyone. So I'm resolving to relearn the lessons that I was taught as a child, that I tried to teach to my own children, and that we all need to live out as adults. Hating people is ignorant, hurtful, and wrong. Hating groups of people is ignorant, hurtful, and wrong. Shouting down the hate you see with hate of your own is not the remedy. Hate can never eliminate hate. Only Love can do that.

Why Florida?

Today we closed on the sale of our house in Georgia. We had lived there 10 years and our previous house we had occupied for 25 years. My wife Carol was born in Georgia and, in fact, had never lived anywhere else but the city in which she was born. I, on the other hand grew up a military brat and had lived in six different states before I was 17. During my corporate career I had headhunters contact me occasionally about positions in other parts of the country. I never seriously considered any of them because Carol just didn't want to leave home.

In 2017, Florida, once again, had the largest net gain of retirees move there.... almost 78,000. It's almost a cliche that when you retire you are supposed to move to Florida. Some have joked that it is the law in New Jersey.... when you turn 65 you must move to Florida. My grandmother retired in Florida. During my many visits and an entire summer staying with her in 1972, I came to the conclusion that I would never want to live in Florida. Visiting Florida, especially in the winter, is wonderful. But to live there? No way.

So, guess where I am right now? Many of our friends know what is going on in our life. The good news is that we have two grandchildren (oh yeah... and their parents) that are currently living in Florida. My son-in-law is a helicopter pilot in the Coast Guard; which is why they are here. I won't elaborate on the not-so-good news but, most of our friends are familiar with it.

About a year ago, I came home from work and Carol said, "I have an idea. Why don't we sell the house and move down to Florida for two years so we can be near Jessica and Matt (and our grandson... [our granddaughter hadn't been born yet]) while Matt is stationed in Florida?" This was spoken by the woman who has lived in the same city for the last... well, her entire life. So, after picking myself up off the floor, I thought about it and said, "You know...why not? We can do that." (Honestly, if Carol had asked me to take her to Timbuktu I would have tried to make that happen... Florida was a piece of cake compared to Mali.)

Pulling up roots isn't easy though. All of our closest friends are in Georgia. Our church home and church family are in Georgia. I had a job I enjoyed in Georgia. Our son is in Georgia and Carol's sister and her husband are just across the river in SC...only a few miles away from where we lived.

Almost exactly 6 years ago I wrote a blog titled "Where's Home?" Here's a link to it.  In that blog I attempted to describe what we mean when we refer to "home." Georgia was home. How could we leave everything that was familiar? Could Florida really be home, even if it was only for a couple of years?

Just like I wrote six years ago, home, for me, is wherever Carol is... and where my family is. For three years Jessica and Matt were 7,000 miles away in Korea. Now we had the chance for them to have some family that wasn't 7,000 miles away or, even in the best case, 7 hours away. We are now more like 7 minutes away. Our hope was that we could be helpful to them as they raise a 2 1/2 yr old and a 3 month old.

Why Florida? I think you get the picture. This is home for now.

35... and counting

My sweetie

I Googled the number 35 to see what results I would get. Did you know that there is a Wikipedia page devoted to the number 35? I didn't either. The obvious question is... why?

35 years ago, I married the person formerly known as Carol Williams on February 9th, making the year 1983 a pretty big deal for me. 1983 wasn't just a big deal for me though. 1983 marked the beginning of the internet. It also was the year that the first cell phone call was made... according to Wikipedia.

If you think of the incredible impact that the internet and cellular technology has had on the world, it is, especially for those of us that knew a world without them, unbelievably significant. Try to think of a world without the internet and cell phones. You probably can't (or even want to) do that.

As much as you can't imagine a world without the internet and cell phones, it pales in comparison to how much I can't imagine a life without Carol as my wife and partner. Life is pretty cool with internet and mobile phones. Life for me is wonderful, meaningful, bountiful, and hopeful because, 35 years ago, a woman I never thought would be attracted to someone like me.... said yes.

Oh, we have had our share of days... even weeks and short seasons... of difficulty. But, if we were paying attention to the vows we spoke to each other and to God all those 35 years ago, we acknowledged that we would have times when life would be hard and we would struggle. But, through those past struggles and the certain struggles to come, we have and will continue to fiercely love each other and give thanks to God for every day He gives us.

I love you Carol Toomey. Thank you for marrying me. Happy Anniversary (a couple of days early.)