In my last blog, I started a conversation about change. I said that change can be controversial, difficult and fraught with mistakes. But, I also said that change was sometimes critically necessary or, at least, sometimes beneficial. It is also true that change is inevitable. No matter what, change is going to occur...
I made two assertions in Part 1.
- If you are not going in the right direction, you need to change.
- Not all change moves you in the right direction
Have you ever thought about the direction you are going? I'm not really talking about the compass heading you are following, although that can be important at times. While I could also ask this question of families, communities, organizations, businesses, and churches... for now, let's keep this specific to you. Where are you going?
When I ask this question, you might focus on one of a few possible areas of consideration. Your first focus might have to do with a relationship or relationships. Another consideration, depending on your age, might have to do with your educational efforts. Still others will first think about their job, career path or even a current retirement path. You might immediately begin to contemplate your spiritual journey if you personally believe that you are on one. It is likely though that you would think of one of these areas first if I asked you "where are you going?"
All of us are moving down a path with some type of goal, outcome or destination in mind. I would challenge anyone that suggests otherwise. Even a person that is determined to remain rudderless or just wants to "go with the flow" is still headed in a direction. Deciding to have no goals is a goal.
Since I can't address in this blog all of the considerations I mentioned, I'll focus on one area this time and touch on others in subsequent blogs.
All of us are in relationship with somebody. It could include a spouse, parent, child, other family member, platonic friend or romantic friend...very few people are walking this earth in total isolation so, fill in the blank if none of these I mention apply. Because virtually all of us are in relationship with many, many people, let's focus on the most significant human relationship you have right now and let me ask some questions about "direction" so we can eventually get back to the subject of change. [If the other participant in your most significant human relationship falls only under the category of boss, co worker or parole officer, contact me directly...we need to talk]
1. Is this relationship a healthy one? (If you answer NO, you can immediately skip down to the section on change)
2. In just a few words, what do you hope to achieve through this relationship? (If you answer "simply endure," please skip down to the section on change!)
3. Do you think the other person has similar hopes for the relationship?
Relationships are complex because we are complex beings with needs, desires, wounds and some degree of selfishness, pride, fear, and insecurity in addition to lots of other baggage we bring to the relationship. A willingness to change in order to maintain and improve relationships is vitally important. As years go by all of us experience things in our lives that can influence our relationships. The continuing and often differing maturation process we each go through may cause relationships to become more challenging. Married couples are continuously needing to make changes as they travel down the path together. Some changes are minor in nature but, if not made, can result in problems that become major.
If the most significant human relationship you have is an unhealthy one...you certainly need a change. That doesn't mean the relationship has to end but, whatever is causing that relationship to be unhealthy needs to be addressed. Hoping that things will get better without some change taking place is not a good plan. Sometimes the change needed may primarily have to do with the attitude and actions of the other person. That can be difficult if the other person is unwilling to change. In some cases, you are the primary reason that the relationship is unhealthy. Talk about it with the other person. Ask each other, "where is this relationship headed?"Seek the advice and counsel of a trustworthy, qualified third party if need be. In some cases, the relationship may need to end.
I think we mistakenly believe that certain close relationships do not require or it is not reasonable to discuss the "direction" of the relationship. For example, let's consider the relationship of an adult child with a parent. To a certain extent, the relationship is mutually obligatory. There is a certain bond that exists between parent and child, no matter the age. But it is also true that those bonds can be damaged or broken which means, somewhere along the way, that relationship went off course. Change needed to occur. It could have been that a change in behavior, a change in attitude or both were required to keep the relationship moving in the right direction. Because the dynamic of the parent child relationship needs to change over time, some of the problem in those relationships is the unwillingness to recognize that the dynamic must change. Parents unwilling to relinquish the role of guardian and disciplinarian at the appropriate time may find adult children who want nothing to do with them later in life. As a Dad, I had to recognize when the relationship with my children needed to change which involved me (and they) having a different role.
What if you were to ask your 10 year old child what he or she wanted out of the relationship with you. Might you be surprised at the answer? Of course, you might assume the answer would be to provide for them or to support them in their various interests. Maybe you would be surprised if the answer was to spend more time together. Or maybe for you to help them understand the things in life that they are unsure about. Maybe the answer would be for you to tell (and show) him or her that he or she is loved unconditionally. Would their answer possibly require a change on your part? How would you have known without asking? And maybe the answer would be different if you asked 3 years later. Maybe more change needed then?
As we travel down the road of life, we have to adapt and change. The road conditions change, the traffic gets busier, the speed limits change, the car breaks down, you need to fill up your tank, you spot a wreck up ahead, the sun goes down....we think nothing of all the changes we make in the course of driving on a trip. But we sometimes believe that in the most complex areas of our lives we can continue thinking and doing the way we have always done without ever considering the need for change. That just makes no sense.
Part 3- Not all change moves you in the right direction. Stay tuned.
I think we mistakenly believe that certain close relationships do not require or it is not reasonable to discuss the "direction" of the relationship. For example, let's consider the relationship of an adult child with a parent. To a certain extent, the relationship is mutually obligatory. There is a certain bond that exists between parent and child, no matter the age. But it is also true that those bonds can be damaged or broken which means, somewhere along the way, that relationship went off course. Change needed to occur. It could have been that a change in behavior, a change in attitude or both were required to keep the relationship moving in the right direction. Because the dynamic of the parent child relationship needs to change over time, some of the problem in those relationships is the unwillingness to recognize that the dynamic must change. Parents unwilling to relinquish the role of guardian and disciplinarian at the appropriate time may find adult children who want nothing to do with them later in life. As a Dad, I had to recognize when the relationship with my children needed to change which involved me (and they) having a different role.
What if you were to ask your 10 year old child what he or she wanted out of the relationship with you. Might you be surprised at the answer? Of course, you might assume the answer would be to provide for them or to support them in their various interests. Maybe you would be surprised if the answer was to spend more time together. Or maybe for you to help them understand the things in life that they are unsure about. Maybe the answer would be for you to tell (and show) him or her that he or she is loved unconditionally. Would their answer possibly require a change on your part? How would you have known without asking? And maybe the answer would be different if you asked 3 years later. Maybe more change needed then?
As we travel down the road of life, we have to adapt and change. The road conditions change, the traffic gets busier, the speed limits change, the car breaks down, you need to fill up your tank, you spot a wreck up ahead, the sun goes down....we think nothing of all the changes we make in the course of driving on a trip. But we sometimes believe that in the most complex areas of our lives we can continue thinking and doing the way we have always done without ever considering the need for change. That just makes no sense.
Part 3- Not all change moves you in the right direction. Stay tuned.
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