Change- Part 3

This is the last part of my blog series on change. In Part 1 and Part 2 I introduced a couple of thoughts on the subject. I obviously cannot adequately cover the entire subject since the subject of change is so far reaching. So, I started with two assertions:

• If you are not going in the right direction, you need to change
• Not all change moves you in the right direction

Not all change moves you in the right direction. Duh, you may say. While my statement may sound like it is so obvious, we frequently make decisions that suggest that we do not understand this. I would submit that all of us are uncomfortable, at some level, with change. But there are some that seem to thrive on a steady stream of change. Some folks are restless. They can't seem to stay on a steady course whether it is their educational efforts (changing college major 3, 4, 5 times?) their career (5 jobs in the last 3 years) their relationship (who is he dating this week and wasn't he engaged to the last gal he was with) or (this is her 3rd husband.) I don't really attribute this to someone that is such a dedicated embracer of change but rather someone that can't commit, can't decide or has some other issues going on.

I am an advocate for embracing change. But it needs to be change that improves, change that advances a cause or a process, change that makes a positive difference. We love change that improves convenience and change that makes us happier and change that makes us more comfortable. But not all change feels good. And, worse still, not all changes move us in the right direction.

It would be easy to interject political issues into the discussion here but I am hesitant to use that for this blog. Examples would be current debates about immigration reform, definition of marriage, and tax reform, all of which would represent significant change. But, I will leave those subjects for a later time.

Have you ever made a change and realized later that your change was a bad one? Have you ever switched jobs, ended a relationship, relocated, switched churches, stopped a routine, or let an employee go and discovered later that you had made a mistake? Many changes we make in the course of our lives are relatively innocuous and, even if we make a mistake, the consequences are miniscule. But there are other changes that can have a major impact on our life or the lives of others. It can have a major impact on our organization, our business, our community, our church. And the impact may not be positive. People walk away from relationships or enter into wrong ones. People make rash decisions and quit their jobs. Folks get frustrated and leave churches that have been family to them for years. Others change operational processes in businesses only to realize that it not only didn't improve the business, but damaged customer and/or employee relationship, wasted money, hurt morale and caused good workers to leave. People that claim to be change agents but lack the skills needed to understand how change should be identified and implemented can do great harm. Still others that beat the drum of change but have no real stake in the outcome can make a mess.

Another aspect of change is the law of unintended consequences. Again, political decisions or law changes are ripe fruit for picking here. When businesses decide to change pricing, change marketing strategies, or product offerings they have to know that those changes will likely result in their competition responding with changes of their own. Before making the change a business should ask, "if we change this, what do we expect our competitors will do?" This is sometimes referred to as game theory. Changes we make will often result in others making changes in response. And we may not like the result.

Change can be a very good thing. Even if you are moving in the wrong direction, not all change moves you in the right direction or even a better direction though. For this reason, changes, especially those that are important, should be done with appropriate forethought. Change stemming from frustration, anger, pettiness, immaturity,  ego, laziness, or greed can turn out badly. Well thought out change can make significant improvements in lives, health, relationships, groups and organizations.

Do you need to make some changes?

Change- Part 2

In my last blog, I started a conversation about change. I said that change can be controversial, difficult and fraught with mistakes. But, I also said that change was sometimes critically necessary or, at least, sometimes beneficial. It is also true that change is inevitable. No matter what, change is going to occur...

I made two assertions in Part 1.

• If you are not going in the right direction, you need to change.
• Not all change moves you in the right direction

Have you ever thought about the direction you are going? I'm not really talking about the compass heading you are following, although that can be important at times. While I could also ask this question of families, communities, organizations, businesses, and churches... for now, let's keep this specific to you. Where are you going?

When I ask this question, you might focus on one of a few possible areas of consideration. Your first focus might have to do with a relationship or relationships. Another consideration, depending on your age, might have to do with your educational efforts. Still others will first think about their job, career path or even a current retirement path. You might immediately begin to contemplate your spiritual journey if you personally believe that you are on one. It is likely though that you would think of one of these areas first if I asked you "where are you going?"

All of us are moving down a path with some type of goal, outcome or destination in mind. I would challenge anyone that suggests otherwise. Even a person that is determined to remain rudderless or just wants to "go with the flow" is still headed in a direction. Deciding to have no goals is a goal.

Since I can't address in this blog all of the considerations I mentioned, I'll focus on one area this time and touch on others in subsequent blogs.

All of us are in relationship with somebody. It could include a spouse, parent, child, other family member, platonic friend or romantic friend...very few people are walking this earth in total isolation so, fill in the blank if none of these I mention apply. Because virtually all of us are in relationship with many, many people, let's focus on the most significant human relationship you have right now and let me ask some questions about "direction" so we can eventually get back to the subject of change. [If the other participant in your most significant human relationship falls only under the category of boss, co worker or parole officer, contact me directly...we need to talk]

1. Is this relationship a healthy one? (If you answer NO, you can immediately skip down to the section on change)

2. In just a few words, what do you hope to achieve through this relationship? (If you answer "simply endure," please skip down to the section on change!)

3. Do you think the other person has similar hopes for the relationship?

Relationships are complex because we are complex beings with needs, desires, wounds and some degree of selfishness, pride, fear, and insecurity in addition to lots of other baggage we bring to the relationship. A willingness to change in order to maintain and improve relationships is vitally important. As years go by all of us experience things in our lives that can influence our relationships. The continuing and often differing maturation process we each go through may cause relationships to become more challenging. Married couples are continuously needing to make changes as they travel down the path together. Some changes are minor in nature but, if not made, can result in problems that become major.

If the most significant human relationship you have is an unhealthy one...you certainly need a change. That doesn't mean the relationship has to end but, whatever is causing that relationship to be unhealthy needs to be addressed. Hoping that things will get better without some change taking place is not a good plan. Sometimes the change needed may primarily have to do with the attitude and actions of the other person. That can be difficult if the other person is unwilling to change. In some cases, you are the primary reason that the relationship is unhealthy. Talk about it with the other person. Ask each other, "where is this relationship headed?"Seek the advice and counsel of a trustworthy, qualified third party if need be. In some cases, the relationship may need to end.

I think we mistakenly believe that certain close relationships do not require or it is not reasonable to discuss the "direction" of the relationship. For example, let's consider the relationship of an adult child with a parent. To a certain extent, the relationship is mutually obligatory. There is a certain bond that exists between parent and child, no matter the age. But it is also true that those bonds can be damaged or broken which means, somewhere along the way, that relationship went off course. Change needed to occur. It could have been that a change in behavior, a change in attitude or both were required to keep the relationship moving in the right direction. Because the dynamic of the parent child relationship needs to change over time, some of the problem in those relationships is the unwillingness to recognize that the dynamic must change. Parents unwilling to relinquish the role of guardian and disciplinarian at the appropriate time may find adult children who want nothing to do with them later in life. As a Dad, I had to recognize when the relationship with my children needed to change which involved me (and they) having a different role.

What if you were to ask your 10 year old child what he or she wanted out of the relationship with you. Might you be surprised at the answer? Of course, you might assume the answer would be to provide for them or to support them in their various interests. Maybe you would be surprised if the answer was to spend more time together. Or maybe for you to help them understand the things in life that they are unsure about. Maybe the answer would be for you to tell (and show) him or her that he or she is loved unconditionally. Would their answer possibly require a change on your part? How would you have known without asking? And maybe the answer would be different if you asked 3 years later. Maybe more change needed then?

As we travel down the road of life, we have to adapt and change. The road conditions change, the traffic gets busier, the speed limits change, the car breaks down, you need to fill up your tank, you spot a wreck up ahead, the sun goes down....we think nothing of all the changes we make in the course of driving on a trip. But we sometimes believe that in the most complex areas of our lives we can continue thinking and doing the way we have always done without ever considering the need for change. That just makes no sense.

Part 3- Not all change moves you in the right direction. Stay tuned.

Change- Part 1

No, I'm not referring to the coins rattling around in your pocket. I'm talking about the other word.

There are dozens and dozens of quotes and phrases about change. Tony Robbins said: "By changing nothing, nothing changes." Andre Gide tells us: "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." Karen Lamb's quote is: "A year from now you will wish you had started today." Winston Churchill said: "To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often." "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading" said Lao Tzu. Heraclitus said: "There is nothing permanent...except change." Woodrow Wilson told us: "If you want to make enemies, try to change something."

I can keep this up all day.

There are also cautions about change... have you ever heard it said "don't make changes just for change sake" (or something to that effect?) Billy Joel sang "Don't go changing to try and please me...you never let me down before..."

Change is controversial. Change is difficult. Change can be fraught with mistakes. When frustrated and faced with inaction some have the attitude "let's do SOMETHING, even if it's wrong!!" That doesn't sound too wise. But change can be critically necessary or, at a minimum, beneficial. Many Christians embrace the quote by Reinhold Niebuhr that says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to accept the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Good words.

So let's talk about change. Here are a couple of perspectives for this go round.

1. If you are not going in the right direction, you need to change. This, of course, seems obvious. But how do we know we are going in the wrong direction? It can be easy to lose our way and many things can cause that. We also can resist change for a number of reasons...complacency, fear, stubbornness, and immaturity are a few reasons that come to mind. I'm sure you can think of others. During my relatively brief time last century as a student at the University of Georgia and, prior to, during and following that time as a die-hard Georgia football fan, I made the Augusta to Athens, Georgia drive more times than I can count. I could almost drive it in my sleep (and I'm sure over the years for some very brief moments, I probably did.) But as the years went by and after giving up my season tickets, my drives to Athens became less frequent. With the birth of our children, years even went by without me making that drive. A few years later we found ourselves with tickets to a game and made the trek again. As you drive through the intersection on the outskirts of Washington, Georgia the road used to fork...stay straight and you continue on the road that heads to Athens...veer right and you head in the direction of Elberton. Somewhere along the way, the Georgia Department of Transportation did some highway improvement work in and around Washington, Georgia. As we proceeded away from Washington and while chatting away (this is what is referred to as distracted driving) I kept going straight like I always did. After a few miles however, I realized that the road no longer was looking familiar (remember, this was not my first drive to Athens.) No one else in the car was really paying attention either. I continued a bit farther hoping to see some familiar house or bridge or something that would help confirm or deny my concern (this was before smartphones and GPS devices.) Finally, tossing my man card out the window, I told my wife and other couple in the car, "I don't think we are on the right road." "Really? You sure? How do you know? Why do you think that?" they chimed in. My male friend in the car finally watched the scenery go by for a little while and said, "you are right...you are definitely going the wrong way." So, I turned around and headed back towards Washington where I eventually came upon the turn-off that clearly was marked showing the direction towards Athens. I was simply not paying attention and missed the new intersection. I think there are several lessons to be learned from that experience.

• I need to acknowledge that sometimes in life, the road gets moved
• The way I have always gone or done things may no longer be appropriate or right
• I need to pay attention to the road upon which I travel and keep looking for what I know are the trustworthy signs and landmarks
• I need to ask people in my life that care about me to also pay attention to my direction and let me know if they believe that I am drifting or have gotten off track.
• When I am going the wrong way, continuing to move in that direction, hoping it might still work out, is foolishness

However...

2. Not all change moves you in the right direction. There is a story/ joke about a couple of hunters who trek out through the woods to hunt deer. They had walked an hour or so going deeper and deeper into the terrain that they believed would allow for a deer sighting. Sure enough, coming up to a small clearing, a large buck with an impressive rack was spotted and the hunter that had earlier won the coin toss aimed and fired. His aim was true and the large animal went down. The hunters were ecstatic that they had bagged a prize buck. Picking up the deer by the hind legs they proceeded to drag their quarry back to where they had parked the truck. The problem was that, due to the size and spread of this buck's rack, it was acting almost like a drag anchor catching on small trees and even digging into the ground as they dragged the animal. It was obvious that they needed to change the way they were pulling the deer. Finally one of them said "what if we go around to the other side, pick up the deer by the antlers and start dragging him that way?" Seemed like a perfect change in strategy so they did just that. After about 30 minutes of pulling, the hunter with the great idea boasted "this sure is an easier way of moving this deer!" His hunting buddy, realizing however that their change in strategy was flawed, answered, "yeah, but we are getting farther away from the truck." Not all change moves you in the right direction. Sometimes making a change just so things will be easier or more convenient will result in making things worse. It might feel good for a while but it will eventually become obvious that it wasn't a good move. Change, especially dramatic changes, should be well thought out. Organizational changes can be very hard. Changing the way a business operates can disrupt an entire business culture. Relationship changes can be brutally difficult with lifelong consequences. Churches that go through significant changes can be accused of a trampling on long practiced traditions or strongly held beliefs

So how do we embrace these two points? Stay tuned for Part II where I'll talk more about change. In the meantime...your comments are appreciated.

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it" -- Yogi Berra

(Just threw that in because I love Yogi Berra quotes)

V-A-C-A-TION

Memorial Day weekend to Labor Day weekend....vacation season in the United States. For school-age children, teachers and other school employees, summer marks a generic time of "vacation" since the obligation to be at school during the week is suspended for a couple of months. Is merely being out from school or off work really vacation? If you take a "vacation" week off from work to paint your house, is that really vacation? I don't think so. So, let's agree that, for discussion purposes, being out of school or being off from work does not in and of itself constitute vacation. I think to truly be a vacation you must leave home and go somewhere...even if it is just to go to Grandma's house.

Here's my take on vacation.

You need to go somewhere other than where you normally come home to eat and sleep. Distance does not matter nor must you be gone for a particular number of days. Just go somewhere. Growing up, I don't remember that we took a lot of vacations during the year but, we always had at least one vacation that was memorable.

Camping was my family's vacation of choice (probably because we were not at all wealthy.) In fact, I was born 10 weeks prematurely on a camping trip...fortunately there was a hospital nearby. Camping fulfilled a couple of my personal criteria of what you should strive to accomplish on a vacation. See what you think:





1. Go see something. If you are an American, you are blessed to live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Sightseeing is a very popular vacation activity. As the song says- "from the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans white with foam" ...yes! God Bless America. There is so much to see. Both natural and man-made wonders. From the Grand Canyon to the Golden Gate Bridge. From the Outer Banks to Hoover Dam. From the Great Lakes to the Empire State Building. From glaciers to historic buildings. Mountains, lakes, oceans, forests, seashores, gardens. Photographs of the Grand Canyon are impressive...hiking into the canyon and watching a sunset at the rim is breathtaking. Go see this beauty that is all around us.

2. Go learn something. When we homeschooled our kids, our curriculum only covered 170 of the required 180 days. We used field trips to complete the other 10 days. What that meant was a Toomey family vacation would include at least a day or two of each vacation week that were designated as "learning days." A trip to Williamsburg, Virginia was not just a casual sightseeing tour. We wanted to learn about our country's history. And the kids were required to write a paper on a related topic. A trip to Stone Mountain, Georgia was an opportunity to learn about geology...or sculpture (sculpture on a large scale!) A trip to Cherokee, North Carolina was a chance to learn the history and culture of these native Americans. Vacations are a wonderful opportunity to learn about something or to learn how to do something. Every vacation does not have to be an educational experience but why not use our vacation time not only to relax, but, to broaden our minds?

3. Go do something. This is where vacation truly becomes an action verb. Go fishing, hunting, snorkeling, roller-coaster riding, hiking, zip-lining, swimming, cruising, skiing, horseback riding, water sliding, bike riding, golfing, climbing, tubing, eating/tasting, racing, kayaking, skating, and on and on and on. (Some, usually those of the female persuasion, would argue that "shopping" should be included in this list of the "ing's" of vacation...I would not agree but I may be outnumbered.)

You could even go somewhere and serve others. Rebuild a house, plant a garden, dig a well, teach a child to read, share your faith. Help victims of a tornado, hurricane, flood, poverty. (Might be the best vacation you'll ever have.)

4. Go be with people you love. Getting away as a family and/or going to be with family has value that is hard to quantify.  Getting away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life to spend time with family and close friends is, as the MasterCard commercial used to say...Priceless. As a kid, we would often spend most of the summer at my grandmother's house. Since we were a military family who moved a lot, her house always felt like home. That time I was privileged and blessed to be loved on and to learn from my sweet grandmother was like gold to me. One of the favorite things about being on vacation with my kids was just being together. My family will tell you that when we go on vacation together, I morph into some strange, goofy person that seems to perpetually have this weird expression on his face. When Jessica was a little girl she picked up on this and once described it as "Daddy's got on his vacation teeth." Well, that stuck. I still put on my vacation teeth when I get to be with my family on vacation.

Our lives are busy. It is easy to drift away from each other and just get bone tired. I cherish vacation time. I have known people that bragged that they never use their employer provided/paid vacation time. They would proudly boast " I get 3 weeks of vacation each year but I never use it." That's nothing to brag about. I think it is downright dumb.

Summer is here. Go take some vacation time.

What's the best vacation you've ever had?