How Do You Eat An Elephant?

We all know the answer to this one.

You eat an elephant one bite at a time.

Have you ever thought about the different techniques that are used to eat some of the more common foods that we consume without knife, fork, or spoon?

I need you to get your mind's eye in focus here. One at a time, I want you to picture how you hold and then eat these common food items below. Think about your fingers/ hand(s) position, how you grasp it, and your "attack angle" to take a bite.

• A hard shell taco (although a true Mexican taco is always soft, flour tortilla)
• A hot dog with chili and slaw
• A large slice of NY style pizza
• A big, juicy, gourmet hamburger
• A double scoop ice cream cone
• Buffalo wings
• Ribs
• Corn on the cob

I recently saw a graphic that illustrated the correct way to eat a taco... grasp from the top, holding at the center of gravity of the taco, taco in alignment with mouth, head angled 45 degrees, and go for it. Sounds about right to me. Oh, and pray the corn tortilla doesn't shatter into a dozen pieces.

My experience eating a hot dog (especially one with many toppings) is an underneath grip (two hands initially,) hot dog/bun perpendicular to your face and level with the ground.... mouth wide open, straight in.

Now, the NY style (let's call it "floppy") pizza has a couple of variations when eating. There is the fold-in-half-method, folding from the mid-line of the crust to the point, thus eliminating the floppiness and even allowing it to be eaten one-handed. And there is also the two-handed non-folded method; crust held by the fingers of one hand, and pointed end supported by the fingers of the other hand (or even the back of the fingers of the other hand.)

The bigger the hamburger and the greater the toppings, the more challenging it is to eat without making a complete mess. But, it clearly is a two-handed method with solid grips with thumbs and fingers at 3:30 and 8:30.

Ice cream-in-a-cone eating includes the straight-up lick method, the more sideways lick while twirling method, and the psycho biting method. This is not an exhaustive list of methods by any means.

The ones I've listed above that have a similar holding technique are the chicken wing, rib, and corn on the cob. On the other hand, I've seen an entire chicken wing (flat or drum) placed in the mouth and pulled back out while the teeth scrape everything off leaving only bone/ joint. Never saw anyone do that with a baby back rib or corn on the cobb.

I was having lunch the other day with a friend and we were talking about how infrequently Carol and I go out to eat these days. With her dementia, she has started to lose the ability to navigate the eating process. She still does fairly well at home with a fork and spoon provided I've pre-cut things into bite-size pieces. And while introducing more finger type foods is generally the migration for folks with dementia that can still feed themselves, not all finger foods are truly "finger" foods. Chicken nuggets, French fries, cut up raw vegetable/ fruit or other food items that are easy to hold and are one or two-bite items are what I now consider finger foods. (Some of the finger foods aren't things you want to eat too frequently though.)

Sandwiches that can easily fall apart (i.e. a Jersey Mike's sub or a BLT, etc.) are too difficult and frustrating for her. So now I prepare sandwiches with "sticky" ingredients that can hold the sandwich together like peanut butter, pimiento cheese, grilled cheese, chicken salad, etc.

The other day we had chili slaw dogs. Mine were prepared the normal way. Hers I "deconstructed" and cut the bun and hot dog into bite-size pieces. Then I layered on some mustard, chili, and slaw and she was able to eat it fairly successfully with a fork. It looked like a mess on her plate but, she loved it and ate it all. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Those of you that have raised kids and helped them learn how to eat have an understanding of what I'm talking about. It's just that, in many ways, we are moving in reverse.

Navigating Dementialand and all that comes with it is sorta like eating an elephant.

We're just taking it one bite at a time.

*I'm sure some of you reading this have experience taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer's disease or other form of dementia and what I've shared is familiar to you. For others, I share this for no other reason than to give you a better understanding. You can better appreciate why we and others in our situation no longer participate in most social events.

I'm no expert on dementia but, to the extent I can be helpful to others that are new to this, please feel free to reach out if I can provide some guidance or encouragement.

Remember... one bite at a time.

I Made Her Laugh

If I am brutally honest, this is most likely how I was able to get Carol to take an interest in me. Even at 27, with a headful of hair, dreamy brown eyes, a boyish grin, and a full manly beard... I wasn't exactly the guy that all the gals were paying a lot of attention to at the Red Lion Pub that August night in 1982. But she did.

I'm pretty certain it was because I made her laugh.

Making people laugh has been my go-to for as long as I can remember. Some self-reflection a long time ago made me realize that my use of humor was a coping mechanism to compensate for some self-esteem issues that I had when I was a young boy. I was always the smallest boy in my class (and almost always the youngest.) When I was picked on about my size, I would just deflect it by making a joke. Not really the stereotypical class clown, just someone that used humor as a way of making people like me. And, for the most part, it worked. I also got (and I still get) a lot of satisfaction from making people laugh.

But, back to Carol. You know, not everyone appreciates a good laugh. Some folks are pretty serious minded all the time. I have to say though that little Carol Williams was a woman that LOVED to laugh. She comes from a family that loves to laugh. (That made me like them immediately.)

While I was still making her laugh, I convinced her that we should get married and, since we already had made up our minds about that, what was the point of a drawn out engagement? Let's just get it done. And so we did. And here we are.

So, why am I sharing all this with you? OK, you make her laugh... what's the big deal?

The big deal is that Carol was diagnosed with dementia in July 2016. I know the day, where I was sitting when I took the phone call, and I can probably tell you exactly what I was wearing. That was not a laughing kind of day. In fact, after the phone conversation with the doctor, I told my boss I needed to step out, I got in my car, and I rode around for about 40 minutes all the while crying like I hadn't done in a very long time. Not much laughing that day.

If you are curious, you can Google primary progressive aphasia and frontotemporal dementia. You may be familiar with Bruce Willis' medical condition. Same diagnosis.

Not exactly hilarious stuff.

But here's the deal. You just have to keep moving forward and try to make the best of the situation. Play the cards you've been dealt. If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Look for the silver lining in the dark clouds. You know... do all that stuff. I like a good idiom as much as the next guy. But, I'm not sure those were the exact words that I wanted to share with her when I got home. I didn't really know what to say or do. So I asked (and continue to ask) God to give me the strength, patience, and wisdom I need and to let me take the very best care of her that I am capable of.

Dementia is an insidious thief. It steals so much from those that suffer from it as well as robbing the family and friends around it.

But I am so thankful that it hasn't yet stolen her laughter and sense of humor. It also hasn't stolen the sweet, kind nature that any Carol lover knows is a hallmark of the kind of person she is.

So, going on 8 years into this journey, you know what we continue to do? We're still laughing. I can hear her cackling away (at all the appropriate times) while she is watching one of her favorite romantic comedies. She loves to laugh at all the dumb commercials from Geico, Liberty Mutual, Wendy's (Bag boy, bag boy whatcha gonna do...) She loves Sebastian Maniscalco, Leanne Morgan, and Nate Bargatze. It's a mystery to me how she can no longer really speak or understand words so much, yet laughs at the punch lines at the exact right times. Music and comedy truly are the best medicines for dementia.

My goal every day is to put a smile on her face and to make her laugh. Hey, it worked 41 years ago. She's been laughing at my shtick and my stupid jokes since.

I'm not about to stop making her laugh now.

Footnote: I've not really shared much on social media about Carol's diagnosis but, I figured after 7+ years, most people that we know fairly well already know because it's not like we've tried to keep it a secret. On the other hand, it hasn't been something I've shouted from the mountaintops. So, if you didn't know before... well, now you know. Prayers are always welcomed.

Happy 1.4610 x 10⁴

Years

Yeah… that’s right. I took some math classes back last century and learned all about scientific notation. You know what else happened last century? I got married… it was 1.4610 x 10⁴ days ago.

A question to my married friends. When you were standing before the [minister, priest, rabbi, imam, judge, friend who got “ordained” online, city recorder, magistrate, sea captain (jk, sea captains can’t legally perform weddings in the US)] and were standing at/in [the altar, judge’s chambers, wedding chapel, cool outdoor wedding venue, in-law’s living room (as in my case,)] saying your vows to one another, were you thinking about 40 years down the road?

No need to answer. I’m pretty sure, if you answer honestly, the answer is No.

At that important moment, even (in some traditions,) when we make reference to this vow being applicable for a very long time (as in “’til death do us part,”) we are probably not really thinking that far into the future nor what that might look like. I mean, why would you?

I was probably thinking no more than the next 40 hours.

I wonder what might happen if, prior to our wedding, we were able to see a video of what our married life would look like 10, 20, 30, 40 years after "I do." Would it give us any pause?

Shortly after our engagement

I’ve shared this story before… I met, asked her out on our first date (August 26, 1982,) fell in love (shortly thereafter,) got engaged (December 6, 1982,) and married Carol all inside of 175 days. Certainly not the shortest “love at first sight” story but, probably shorter than yours. We were married in her parents’ living room with only 10 other people present to include her (and now our) dear friend Marshall, her former youth minister who performed the ceremony (great job Marshall!) When Marshall asked me if I would take this woman to be my wife, I was thinking more of that present moment than the future when I said Yes!

Anyone that has been married a while knows that marriage is a lot like a day at an amusement park that is full of every type of amusement ride ever constructed. Some of the rides are nice, easy, almost romantic ones like the Ferris wheel or the swan boat ride. Beautiful views, just the right pace, nothing really to fear, and you can even sneak in a smooch or two during the ride. Other rides are exhilarating; that nearly take your breath away and get your heart pounding higher than most cardiologists would recommend. Then there are the wilder roller coasters that turn and flip you every which way that introduce varying levels of fear while you hold on for dear life and, honestly, not really think about how your spouse is faring through the ordeal. Then there are certain rides that just hurt. They yank, pull, and jar you in ways that you didn’t anticipate when you read the warning that said “This ride is not recommended for pregnant women or anyone with back or neck problems.” The difference between marriage and a day at the amusement park is that, at the park, you get to avoid the ones you don’t want to ride. In marriage, the rides just come at you and you have no choice in whether you want to get on or not.

February 9th marks our 40th wedding anniversary. 1983 was a long time ago. I mean, Ronald Reagan was the US president. I think Abraham Lincoln immediately preceded him (I probably took more math classes than US history classes.)

On February 9, 1983, I had no clue what the next 40 years would hold. But I believed then, with all my heart, that I wanted all my tomorrows to be lived side-by-side with this cute brunette who was standing by my side at that moment.

And guess what? That’s exactly what has happened. And yes… we’ve experienced all the rides.

Loving, living, and staying with someone for 40 years is both the easiest and most challenging thing I have ever done. Carol likely gets credit for the “easiest” aspect. I and life itself probably account for the “challenging” part.

Do I wish I had done some things differently over those 40 years? Of course, I do.

Do I wish that there were elements of our life today that could be different than they are? Sure.

Some of you know what our current circumstance is. If I knew then what I know now, would I still have said Yes 40 years ago?

Absolutely. Unequivocally. Without a doubt. No need to even pause to think about it. 

But this is important. You should know that when I stood there on that Wednesday night 40 years ago (who gets married on a Wednesday btw?) I believed that I was pulling off the greatest heist in history… I had somehow managed to convince this incredibly sweet, beautiful, remarkable woman, that was so, so far out of my league, to marry… me. I still feel that way. She’s still way out of my league. And I still can’t help but feel like I got away with something.

I used to be thankful for every year that we had been given together. Nowadays I am thankful for each day we wake up together.

I love you, Carol Toomey. Happy 40 years together.

Today, I’m giving thanks to God for Day 14,610 as husband and wife.

I’ll think about Day 14,611 tomorrow.

40 years together

Hang On, That's My Bad Side

 

Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up

I was reading an article today about a well-known TV personality wherein said personality disclosed the use of Botox (and multiple plastic surgeries) to try to maintain a more youthful look. The personality mentioned a bad Botox experience one time that had not only affected this person’s “bad side” but also caused a problem on the “good side.”

When we hear those two terms, we usually think about a person’s facial profile… as in “the right side of my profile is my good side.”

Good side, bad side.

(First off, when talking appearance, maybe a more positive viewpoint would be “good side/ better side?”) But I digress.

The article’s reference to good side/ bad side got me thinking beyond facial profiles.

Do all of us have a good side and a bad side?

How about with our demeanor?

What about the way we treat people?

How about how we handle conflict?

How about the way we live our life?

How about our business/work side versus our home/ personal side?

Are there two persons living inside each of us?

We all have seen people, when having their picture taken, turn a certain way relative to the camera or phone so as to show what they perceive to be their “good side.”

But don’t we also do the same thing with other aspects of our life?

Don’t we try to hide our “bad side?”

A favorite Christian songwriter of mine from back in the day is Bruce Carroll. In the 90s he recorded a song called “Shadow and Light.”

One of the verses says this:

” I am wise, I am a fool

A servant with a yen to rule

Good intentions and selfish schemes

A saint who soars on broken wings

Noble visions and narrow eyes

Contradictions side by side

Ogres and angels share my heart

Sometimes the battle tears me apart.”

We’ve all been there. Or are there.

Good side/ bad side. A life of shadow and light.

Depending on the width of this good side/bad side spectrum, our ability to cope, justify, explain, sleep at night, maintain relationships… greatly varies.

We can become overly fixated on our bad side. We can feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, and unworthy. We may feel like a fraud. Guess what? On some level, this is all of us.

To be sure, there may be aspects of our life and behavior that need serious examination and change.

While we should not fixate solely on our bad side, neither should we rest on our good side laurels.

We are obligated to acknowledge our human imperfection and strive to do better each day. Some of this might require some third-party help.

Bruce’s song goes on to say this:

“I am shadow, I am light

I am wrong and I am right

Sometimes shining oh so bright

Sometimes fading into night

Though You see this war in me

You know all that I can be

I am precious in Your sight

You walk with me through shadow and light.”

The “You” that Bruce references is the God Who created us and understands just who and where we are.

And He loves us despite ourselves.

Maybe some one-on-One conversation with Him about what you see as your good and bad side can help.

It has helped me.

“Shadow and Light” by Bruce Carroll

Songwriter(s): Paula Carpenter, Mark Comden, Geoff Thurman

Record Label: ©1995 Word Entertainment LLC, A Warner Curb Company